Last Christmas
Lesson learned from this 2019 rom-com starring Emilia Clarke and Henry Golding, two human embodiments of warm and fuzzy feelings, and written by the equally-as-charming Emma Thompson? A lyric in a beloved Christmas song ("Last Christmas" by George Michael) does not a good Christmas movie make.
Choice Review: "It's the kind of bad that falls somewhere between finding a lump of coal in your stocking and discovering one painfully lodged in your rectum."
Deck the Halls
If you like your Christmas movies with some cranky men, a lot of mean-spirited hijinks and very little charm, this 2006 comedy starring Matthew Broderick and Danny DeVito is for you, ya Grinch.
Choice Review: "You cannot believe how excruciatingly awful this movie is. It is bad in a way that will cause unfortunate viewers to huddle in the lobby afterward, hugging in small groups, consoling one another with the knowledge that it's over, it's over—thank God, it's over."
The Nutcracker and the Four Realms
Um, at least Keira Knightley seemed to be having fun in this colorful, wild and wackadoodle reimagination of The Nutcracker? Despite (very) early hype, The Nutcracker and the Four Realms became one of the biggest box office bombs of 2018.
Choice Review: "What in the cuckoo Christmas blasphemy is this?"
Four Christmases
On paper, this 2008 movie sounds great: America's sweetheart Reese Witherspoon and America's wise-ass Vince Vaughn as a couple having to visit four messy, complicated and inappropriate families on Christmas. But this rom-com-gone-wrong proved to be riddled with clichés and felt staler than your Aunt Karen's fruitcake.
Choice Review: "It's Four Christmases in need of a wedding, or maybe a funeral."
Fred Claus
And Vaughn is 0-for-2 when it comes to Christmas movies, with his 2007 comedy about Santa's cranky and bitter Scrooge of an older bro failing to earn many laughs...or money.
Choice Review: "The movie is less ho-ho-ho than uh-oh, or oh-no."
Jack Frost
Imagine a Christmas movie about a dead father (who died on Christmas Day, by the way, after always traveling for work and not really being present with his family) returning to his son as a snowman who came to life one day. Now imagine thinking that is not a horror movie. Alas, filmmakers believed this was the feel-good family film the world needed in 1998, with Michael Keaton starring as the dead-dad-turned-snowman.
Choice Review: "Let it melt!"
Christmas With the Kranks
While Tim Allen proved to have the holiday spirit with his blockbuster Santa Clause trilogy, the magic wore off for this 2004 family comedy. The concept was simple enough: The Home Improvement star and Jamie Lee Curtis play a couple frantically trying to put together a Christmas event in less than 24 hours after their adult daughter reveals she's going to be returning home after all. Alas, despite Allen and Curtis' comedic talents, there was no salvaging this hammy and clunky Christmas mess and it has the 5 percent Rotten Tomatoes rating to prove it.
Choice Review: "Stinks like the unrefrigerated ham its studio sent me as a promotion several months ago."
Bad Santa 2
Alternate title for this unnecessary and unfunny 2016 sequel to the surprise hit dark comedy starring Billy Bob Thornton? 2 Bad 4 Santa.
Choice Review: "We have long hoped that there might one day be a sequel. We need to be careful what we wish for."
Love the Coopers
Nothing brings the family together during the holidays quite like divorce, right? Desperate for one last perfect Christmas as a fam, Diane Keaton and John Goodman play a couple planning to divorce just after their adult children visit for the holidays. We'll let you guess what happens. The 2015 movie wastes a majority of its stacked cast (Olivia Wilde, Anthony Mackie and Alan Arkin, oh my!) and just tries way too hard to hit you in your holiday feels. Example: A dog narrates the movie.
Choice Review: "'Dreck the Halls.' 'O Unholy Night.' 'Jingle Hell.'"
Miracle on 34th Street
OK, here's the thing: the 1994 remake isn't a bad movie, it's just a completely unnecessary one. Starring Richard Attenborough, Dylan McDermott, Elizabeth Perkins and Mara Wilson, it doesn't really add anything new or special, which is obvious as the original 1947 flick still tends to get more airplay all these years later.
Choice Review: "The movie's a slow-moving, overblown, never-better-than-competent rendition of the original."
A Christmas Prince: The Royal Wedding
Before you argue, let the record state that we thoroughly enjoyed the first film in the A Christmas Prince franchise (we cannot believe that is an actual thing, but here we are!) for how deliciously low-budget and unintentionally hilarious it was. There's a reason it became an unexpected meme-generator and developed a cult fanbase. However, the 2018 sequel was so-bad-it's-bad, not so-bad-it's-good. The Netflix rom-com was lackluster, half-assed and, worst of all, BORING. Therefore we banished it from our queue.
Choice Review: The people who made this sequel cared so little about it that the movie contains a scene in which one character’s entire outfit changes between cuts—like, drastically changes, from blue and pink to brown and mustard—and no one ever bothers to offer an excuse.