Robert De Niro
"I can't even believe I get to share this stage with you tonight, Robert De Niro. And by this stage, I mean the final one of your life," Glaser joked before immediately apologizing to the Hollywood legend. "I'm sorry. I don't feel right about any of this."
Rob Lowe
How can you make fun of Rob Lowe without calling out his handsome looks? "Rob defies age…restrictions," Glaser joked, comparing him to the Greek god Adonis while poking fun at celebrity men's tastes in younger women. "I had such a crush on you when I was a little girl. If only I'd known that's when I had my best shot."
David Spade
"David Spade, the host with the most…step stools in your apartment," she said about the famous comedian's height. "David, you've seriously influenced so many female comic's…haircuts."
Caitlyn Jenner
Glaser recalled how before Keeping Up With the Kardashians, Caitlyn Jenner was "such an incredible athlete," saying, "People forget just how fast you once ran from your first family to go be on a reality show."
Peyton Manning
"I don't know much about football, but I love Peyton [Manning] in commercials," Glaser said about the former NFL quarterback. "You're so good in them, legitimately. I'd say you're the greatest of all time. I'd say, you're like the Tom Brady of being in commercials. You know, the greatest."
Martha Stewart
"My mom has learned everything from Martha Stewart about cooking and cleaning and withholding affection," Glaser said about the TV host and businesswoman, "so it's close to my heart."
Edward Norton
"Ed [Norton] looks to me like if a marionette became a boy and then that boy became an a--hole," said Glaser. "He was so hot in Fight Club, right? When he was Brad Pitt, that was nuts."
Joseph Gordon-Levitt
Calling Joseph Gordon-Levitt "so cute [and] so adorable," Glaser poked fun at his child-like size, joking, "I bet you eat p---y but only with the crust cut off first."
Alec Baldwin
"Alec Baldwin, what an honor to be here roasting Justin Bieber's wife's oldest, fattest uncle," Nikki Glaser joked about the 30 Rock star. "You have four kids under the age of six. How do you do it? I mean, isn't your s---n just oatmeal at this point?"