Carrie Fisher’s love is still strong with her loved ones.
Nine years after the Star Wars actress’ death, her daughter Billie Lourd marked what would have been Carrie’s 69th birthday by detailing how she explained the cause of Carrie’s passing to her and husband Austen Rydell’s 5-year-old son Kingston.
“The other night my son asked me how she died,” Billie wrote in an Oct. 21 Instagram post. “I told him that she didn’t take care of her body - telling him the truth without telling him the whole truth. ‘Oh but I take care of my body!’ Yes I replied, ‘Yes you do! And I do too and daddy does too!’ Death isn’t looming at our doorsteps the way it always was for her. That’s a conversation for later years.”
Billie added, “He didn’t push me for more answers so we left it at that. But it broke my heart. And made me mad at her.”
Carrie’s December 2016 death at the age of 60 was ultimately ruled a heart attack, with sleep apnea a contributing factor, however the actress had been candid during her lifetime about her struggles with drug addiction and alcoholism.
For Billie—who also shares daughter Jackson, 2, with Austen—her mother’s physical history has created an added layer to her grief.
“It’s weird being mad at a dead person because you don’t really have anywhere to put the emotion,” the 33-year-old wrote. “But it’s still there and I’ve had to learn to allow myself to feel all the things - mad at her for not getting sober but also sad for her that she wasn’t able to get sober but also happy that she existed at all.”
Though Billie, whose dad is Bryan Lourd, added, “She never got to meet her grandchildren and see them grow into the magical smart hilarious kind creatures they are today.”
But despite her own complicated feelings, Billie also wants her children to know the best parts of who their grandmother was.
“She was a brilliant magical human and I want them to know that,” the Scream Queens actress said. “On these days I try to celebrate the good parts. I’ll tell my kids funny stories about her, watch one of her movies, eat one of her favorite foods, have a Coke with a s--t ton of ice.”
And as she navigates her grief, which Billie described as “a weird soup of feelings” with “a lot of ingredients in it that are hard to swallow,” she also feels gratitude.
“Ultimately I think the soup has made me healthier,” she wrote. “More cognizant of how short life is and more appreciative of all the happy in my life.”
She concluded, “Happy birthday momby. I miss you and love you more than you could ever know.”
For a look back at Billie’s moments with her mother, read on.
Twinning
Billie posted this throwback photo on what would have been her mother's 61st birthday, 10 months after her death.
Baby Love
Billie posted this throwback photo on Mother's Day 2017, the first Mother's Day without Carrie.
All Smiles
The two share a sweet moment.
Billie Graduates
Billie poses with her mom and grandma Debbie Reynolds at her high school graduation.
May the Force Be With You
Billie and Carrie attend the premiere of Star Wars: The Force Awakens, which stars them both.
2015 SAG Awards
Billie poses with her mom and grandma Debbie Reynolds at the annual event.
Governors Awards 2015
Billie poses with her mom at the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences' 7th annual Governors Awards in 2015.