The holidays are a time for joyous celebration and reflection, filled with yuletide merriment and cheer.
But if you absolutely detest a seasonal song, say, NewSong's epic bummer ballad "Christmas Shoes," you will spend your late-November through December changing the radio dial as fast as you can to avoid a tiny angerfest in your car.
Perhaps one of the most divisive of holiday tunes, this song has been developed into a book, a made-for-TV movie, and for many, is like an unavoidable lump of coal, forever casting a shadow over decent jams like 'N Sync's "Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays."
It's the Debbie Downer of songs. This is why:
1. The Lyrics Are All of the Saddest Things Ever Written Put Into One Song: A dirty, tattered boy tries to pay for shoes with change for his dying mother, so she'll look beautiful when she meets Jesus. It's like someone played Mad Libs while watching a Sarah McLachlan commercial.
2. Adult Contemporary Music Will Make You Cry All the Tears: The song is padded with soft guitar and what sounds like tiny toy instruments? Are you kidding?!
3. A Choir of Kids Will Guilt You Into Losing It: Oh, if this "Butterfly Kisses"-wannabe lead singer dude hasn't cracked you, there is literally a choral army of sad, innocent voices, wavering on the edge of tears, who will wear you down. Children's choirs represent emotional extremes—hey can be used to be scary, joyous, or devastating. In this ballad their sole purpose is to crush your damn heart.
4. The Song's Backstory Is Internet Heartbreak: It's been reported that the song was inspired by a sad story found on the Internet or an email chain letter that had been circulating in the late '90s. Email chain letters are like why moms bothered learning how to use AOL. They're scientifically proven to make you feel feelings. For some, poignancy. For others, seething rage.
5. The Guy Makes It All About Him: "I knew that God had sent me that little boy to remind me what Christmas is all about." After this whole emotional mess, a boy's mother is allegedly on her deathbed, the guy who had a couple extra bucks on him makes the message about what he learned. What happens to the kid? The mom? THE SHOES?! Over it!
Bonus Clip: For our final piece of evidence, we'd like to present comedian Patton Oswalt's "Christmas Shoes" rant, where he breaks down the elements of this awful, awful song:
Agree? Disagree? Post a comment telling us your least favorite holiday tune...Oh, and happy holidays!