How to Love
"Never take those you love for granted, for they can be gone in a flash." These words from the real voice behind Brian, Seth McFarlane, on the night Brian was brought back from the dead, did actually make quite an impact on our tiny, shriveled hearts. That said, the real impact we'd like to make is a hockey stick to McFarlane's groin, just as Stewie did to Brian...For putting us through the best-worst TV hoax of all time.
Still, the Christmas miracle prompted this tender moment: Brian did to Stewie: "You're my best friend and I love you." Stewie to Brian: "All I can say is you've been making really creepy eye contact with me all morning and I need it to stop."
How to Diet
"Wow, Brian! Have you lost weight? You gotta tell me your secret!"
Brian: "Here's a hint: Put down the fork!"
How to Greet Anyone, Anywhere
Brian: "Hey, how about a little less questions and a little more shut the hell up."
How to Read
Peter: "Oh my god, Brian, there's a message in my Alphabits. It says, "Oooooo.""
Brian: "Peter, those are Cheerios."
How to Appreciate Music
Brian: "I was just watching this special on VH1 about Gwen Stefani. I don't know what a hollaback girl is, all I know is I want her dead."
How to Develop a Positive Body Image
"The real hero here is God: for blessing me with this nose, and a few other amazing appendages!"
How to Save a Baby's Life
Stewie: "Brian, I can't find Rupert anywhere! Have you seen him?"
Brian: "Oh, I thought Lois would've told you. She sent him back to the factory."
Stewie: "What, why?"
Brian: "She was afraid he was going to choke you."
Stewie: "That was a game we played! Believe me, I was in control the whole time!"
How to Handle Inappropriate Humor
Brian: "Okay, insert rod support A into slot B."
Peter: "That's what..."
Brian: "If you say "that's what she said" one more time, I am gonna pop you."
How to Handle a Pregnancy Scare
Lois: "Okay, one more minute, and then if there are two pink lines..."
Peter: "Oh god, I hope you're not pregnant, we can't afford another kid. We already got Chris, Stewey, Richie, Joanie, Greg, Marsha, Bobby, Jan, Mike Seaver, Carol Seaver, Boner, Urkel, Mr. Furley..."
Brian: " Peter those aren't your kids, that's the Nick-at-Night lineup."
Peter: "Blanka, Zangeif, Chun-Li, Guile, E. Honda..."
Brian: "That's Street Fighter."
Peter: "Red, blue, green... "
Brian: "Those are colors."
How to Handle Lack of Sex
Lois: "Brian, could you pass the TV Guide?"
Brian: "Piss off."
Lois: "What?"
Brian: "Oh, I'm just a little testy because of the lack of... Stop staring at my tail."