Valentines Day, Schmalentines Day! TV's Worst Couples Ever
When you're single, Valentine's Day can go one of three ways. You can ignore it, you can gather all your fellow single friends together to have a positive, life-affirming evening together, or you can bring out your hatred of all things love-related for a bitter night full of wine and crying and yelling at the couples who decide to stop in the middle of the sidewalk to suck face like they're the only two people in the world.
Obviously, the last one is more fun. In that vein, we've decided to celebrate all our favorite really horrible couples from all across TV (and by that we mean American shows that have aired in the past 15 to 20 years, plus I Love Lucy) who make us feel better about singledom. After all, we'd rather be alone than really unhappy next to another person. Or so we tell ourselves, at least.
29. Buffy and Angel, Buffy the Vampire Slayer
He stalked her for a while and then spent years brooding over how they could never have a real relationship due to his inability to go outside in the daytime and also the fact that he was cursed with a soul so his real orgasm-summoned self was actually horribly sadistic and seriously evil, so yeah. #relationshipgoals
Still, we did always have a bit of a soft spot for cookie dough, and maybe, just maybe, these two weren't done baking.
Nah...just kidding. Team Spike!
28. Nick and Jess, New Girl
This couple would have been a little too perfect for us if they hadn't totally ruined the show for like a whole season. Fortunately, the writers figured out that good, happy couples are lame and boring and broke them up! Alas, we're still rooting for them in the long-run...like last minute of the series finale long-run.
27. Jaime and Cersei, Game of Thrones
We've never once been jealous of these two. Not once! Not even when their years of incest resulted in the most abhorrent child that has ever existed! Incest, just don't mess.
26. Fitz and Olivia, Scandal
He's emotionally manipulative and kind of a jerk while she just melts like a popsicle on the Fourth of July and forgets that she's one of the most badass women on TV whenever he so much as looks in her direction while the whole thing is packaged like the pinnacle of forbidden love. Lesser fools than us would find it romantic. We find it perfectly irritating.
25. Fred and Ethel, I Love Lucy
He could barely get through an episode without calling her fat, because apparently he's never looked at his own self in the mirror. What a perfect disaster.
24. Piper and Alex, Orange is the New Black
Oh man, if only we could find that special person with whom to traffic drugs, end up in jail, and then have an affair before before they screw us over when there's a chance to potentially be released from jail. What a dream.
23. Annalise and Sam, How to Get Away with Murder
HIS PENIS WAS ON A DEAD GIRL'S PHONE! He might be a murderer, then he got murdered, and she covered it up, and that was all after she had already found a much hotter man to date. How the heck did these two end up married in the first place?
22. Noah and Alison, The Affair
If you're totally bitter about Valentine's Day and love and marriage in general, there is no better show to watch. Everyone is unhappy and all screwed up, but everyone's hot and having lots of sex. It's a win-win!
21. Nikki and Paulo, Lost
This couple's only offense was that they only appeared in one episode before being paralyzed by spiders and then buried alive. We want a Nikki and Paulo prequel! More arguments over diamonds! More Exposé! More razzle dazzle! (Just kidding, we don't want any of those things.)
20. Oliver and Laurel, Arrow
We never actually saw them as a happy couple, since the series started after he had gotten on a boat with her older sister and fake died before coming back to mostly just constantly tell her she can't do things. We can't imagine they were ever really great together though, so we imagine their relationship as a way to calm down whenever the Olicity feels hit us a little too hard. It works surprisingly well, and the writers have done a great job of transitioning their relationship into a platonic friendship. Plus, they never had true chemistry to begin with.
19. Dexter and anyone besides Rita, Dexter
Rita made Dexter too happy. Too normal. The rest of them kept him creepy and totally unappealing (Ugh, Lyla. Ew, Lumen. GTFO, Hannah.), just like we like him.
18. Carter and Susan, ER
Unresolved sexual tension that's eventually resolved, only to die from Noah Wyle's love for Maura Tierney? It's like a fairytale!
17. Dan and Rachel, One Tree Hill
Rachel was obsessed with Nathan, his uncle (Cooper), and then his dad (Dan), eventually marrying the elder Scott in an attempt to take all his money while he was sad and dying. Nothing like a loveless marriage between a parent and his son's former classmate to make us really okay with checking "single" on tax forms.
16. Piper and Larry, Orange is the New Black
She's the worst. He's the worst. It's really a match made in the worst version of heaven, which is probably why their relationship has been a main storyline on a show in which almost every other character is a million times more interesting and less grating.
15. Charlotte and Declan, Revenge
Remember Declan's terrible accent? And that time Charlotte was pregnant for a second? And then Declan died? And then Charlotte disappeared to rehab after acting like a pointless and possibly psychotic jerk for a season? These two are the epitome of Revenge's fondness for completely useless sideplots. We love them. We miss them. But good riddance.
14. Lana and Jason, Smallville
Pro: Jensen Ackles. Con: Evil, hostage-taking, alien artifact-hunting, momma's boy jerkface. But we don't blame Lana. We would have struggled to resist him, too, but we couldn't help but be a little pleased when it ended so badly, and then he was killed by a meteor. Life, huh?
12. Tom and Ann, Parks and Recreation
Ann's disgust with herself throughout the entirety of this relationship made it one for the ages...or one for almost totally forgetting about as soon as it was over.
11. Blaine and Karofsky, Glee
We were more than psyched when it was revealed that Blaine and Karofsky were distant cousins and that Karofsky had really gotten around the gay community in Lima, but not because that could eventually send Blaine running back to Kurt. This is just the perfect time of year to watch happy people fall apart.
10. Quinn and Huck, Scandal
We've never had such a strong urge to wash our tongues and also our brains whenever these two got so hyped up on murder and torture that they decided to lick each other silly, and we wouldn't have it any other way.
9. Ross and Rachel, Friends
Ross was jealous, manipulative, whiny, had zero respect for any of Rachel's interests or opinions, and tried to put the blame back on Rachel after he went and slept with someone else just hours after she asked that they take a break. He's so dreamy!
8. Marnie and Ray, Girls
Any "relationship" that starts with "tell me all the things that are wrong with me" and continues just because neither person has anyone else to sleep with is basically porn for those with truly hate-filled hearts. (Still, we can't deny the fact that this pairing gave us this epic line: "I wouldn't be eating pizza in front of you if I liked you!")
7. Vaughn and Lauren, Alias
Vaughn only married Lauren because he thought Sydney was dead, and then it turned out that Sydney was not dead and Lauren was a double agent...who he later had to kill in order to protect Sydney. The only thing here to be jealous of is the exciting life of an international spy. No big deal.
6. George and Izzie, Grey's Anatomy
These two got so icky once they started exchanging saliva that we finally started to forgive this show for all of the good times between Derek & Meredith or one of the many other ooey gooey couples this show has had to offer. Alas, it didn't last. Please, try and contain your shock.