And the Winner of The Bachelorette Will Be...
25 men. Two women. One winner.
Rejoice, Bachelor nation! The Bachelorette is finally back tonight, and bringing with it not one but two ladies: Britt Nilsson and Kaitlyn Bristowe, both from the latest season of The Bachelor with Chris Soules. And the franchise's first-ever two-Bachelorette season isn't the only big twist in store: At the end of the premiere, the 25 guys will get to vote on which lady gets to continue on as the Bachelorette.
But before we get to the big vote, we actually have to meet and judge the crap out of the 25 suitors, which is what we're doing right now!
Using their jobs, bios on ABC.com and intel from the premiere, we ranked all of the contestants, from the law student/stripper to the amateur sex coach, and predicted how far they will go in the competition. Plus, we also picked which Bachelorette they'd vote for! So join in on the fun, won't you, and let us know which guy you think might be getting down on one knee by season's end!
Ryan M.
Job: junkyard specialist
Need to Know: It sounds like Ryan will be this season's first casualty after he indulges a bit too much on the first night. (There's always that guy, right?)
Who He'll Pick: Britt
How He Did: Dude didn't even make it to the first rose ceremony, as he got so belligerently drunk, inappropriately touching Kaitlyn and making rape comment, that Chris Harrison told him to leave.
Brady
Job: singer-songwriter
Need to Know: Brady will make an immediate connection with Britt, per ABC, after he reveals that he's only there for her. Aside from already being obsessed with one of the Bachelorettes, he idolizes Chris Martin (Yes, Coldplay's Chris Martin) and is afraid of explosive diarrhea.
Who He'll Pick: Britt (see above)
How He'll Do: Dare we say Brady will go all the way, at least to the final three?
How He Did: In a twist, Brady eliminated himself from the competition after Kaitlyn was chosen as the Bachelorette over Britt, who he joined the show for. He then set off to find the girl of his dreams!
Bradley
Job: international auto shipper
Need to Know: He's on the younger side (25), and his favorite movies are almost a cliche (Wolf of Wall Street and Will Ferrell movies). He'd also like to play an NFL game in Tom Brady's shoes, which means he's a cheater, right? JK, Pats fans. Calm down. OH, and he reveals his superhero persona known as "Love Man."
Who He'll Pick: Britt
How He'll Do: Either eliminated on first night or he makes it really far.
How He Did: Eliminated on the first night!
Josh S.
Job: law student/exotic dancer
Need to Know: We're sorry, did you miss the part where we said he's a stripper? And yes, he will strip on the first night. And his dual-profession seems ripe for a failed NBC pilot in the future. Oh, and of course he listed The Wolf of Wall Street as his favorite movie.
Who He'll Pick: Britt
How He'll Do: If he makes it past the first night, we'll be SHOCKED.
How He Did: First night cut. DUH.
Shawn E.
Job: amateur sex coach
Need to Know: He is an amateur sex coach, which apparently can be listed as an occupation? He rides up in a hot tub car on the first night, too. Plus, in addition to looking like Steve Sanders from BH, 90210, Shawn wants to be Superman "because you can't change what you already are! :)." Oh yeah, dude used an emoticon. Feeling queasy yet? His ideal date ends with "embracing and loving until sunset." Make. It. Stop.
Who He'll Pick: Britt
How He'll Do: Eliminated on the first night. We kind of hope?
How He Did: First night, Shawn was gone!
David
Job: Real estate agent
Need to Know: He really wants to have lunch with Brad Pitt and loves Fight Club. Someone may have a man-crush.
Who He'll Pick: Kaitlyn
How He'll Do: Eh, midway, maybe? Or one of the guys you actually forget is still around every single time you see him.
How he Did: Sent home on the first night.
Kupah
Job: entrepreneur
Need to Know: What marriage means to Kupah "FOOOOOOOORRRRRRRREEEEEEEVEEEEEEEER." OK, we're going to need him to take it down about 10 notches. And he wants to have lunch with Mark Wahlberg. No comment.
Who He'll Pick: Britt
How He'll Do: Second or third rose ceremony.
How He Did: He was kicked out of the house by Kaitlyn before the second rose ceremony after she overheard him talking smack about her and their earlier conversation to the other guys. He then proceeded to make an ass out of himself.
Cory
Job: residential developer
Need to Know: Cory wants to have lunch with that "enlightened cat" the Dalai Lama, fears boredom and doesn't admire anyone.
Who He'll Pick: Kaitlyn
How He'll Do: Second rose ceremony.
How He Actually Did: Second rose ceremony. Boom, we're awesome.
Daniel
Job: fashion designer
Need to Know: He used the words "baller life" to describe the Prince of Monaco, so...
Who He'll Pick: Britt
How He'll Do: Daniel will make it to the second rose ceremony.
How He Actually Did: Second rose ceremony. Nailed. It.
Tony
Job: healer
Need to Know: In case you missed it, Tony is a HEALER. Who would ilke to be Tony Stark because he's "humble yet arrogant." And also fictional.
Who He'll Pick: Britt
How He'll Do: The first cut is the deepest. At least he can heal himself?
How He Actually Did: He eliminated himself after sitting out of a group date after the second rose ceremony because it was all too "violent" for him and he sees "the world through the eyes of a child." And he said this while wearing one of those sumo-wrestling things. Ya just can't make this stuff up.
Clint
Job: architectural engineer
Need to Know: He wants to be Chuck Norris for one day "for obvious reasons," and his biggest fear is "coming on too strong," which worries us a little.
Who He'll Pick: Kaitlyn
How He'll Do: First or second rose ceremony.
How He Did: Went out in a blaze of glory, saying he was in love with JJ, making out with Kaitlyn only to stay in the competition to be with his fellow competitor. Kaitlyn soon caught on, and sent him packin'.
Ryan B.
Job: realtor
Need to Know: Clearly a fan of sexting. "Meant to send a pic to my girlfriend and accidentally tweeted it," is what he listed as his most embarrassing moment. Also, he loves Seth MacFarlane.
Who He'll Pick: Britt
How He'll Do: Middle of the pack?
How He Did: Middle of the pack, going home during the Top 15/fourth rose ceremony.
Corey
Job: investment banker
Need to Know: The 35-year-old loves The Goonies, which A+ choice, dude. But his biggest dating fear is finding out his date's really a dude. Lame answer. Points deducted.
Who He'll Pick: Kaitlyn
How He'll Do: Second rose ceremony, maybe third.
How He Did: Top 15, sent home during the fourth rose ceremony. Possible casualty of Nick Viall's return.
Ian
Job: executive recruiter
Need to Know: He admires Richard Branson 'cause "dude does everything" and loves Jimmy Kimmel (someone watched last season). He likes to build stuff.
Who He'll Pick: Kaitlyn
How He'll Do: Top 10.
How He Did: Top 10, but sent himself one after calling Kaitlyn "shallow" and claiming he should be the next Bachelor in the douchiest rant ever.
Jonathan
Job: automotive spokesman
Need to Know: He is 33 and his scared you will have bad breath. He proclaims to be a great listener and would love to have a sit-down with Warren Buffett.
Who He'll Pick: Kaitlyn
How He'll Do: Midway cut.
How He Did: Midway. Cut. City. Boom.
Josh A.
Job: industrial welder
Need to Know: Ugh, we're so torn on this one. On the one hand, he wants to have lunch with Tom Hanks. So that's a bonus. But then his biggest fear on a date is his mom walking in and asking him to blow his nose. WHAT?
Who He'll Pick: Kaitlyn
How He'll Do: Top 10. We just get the vibe that he might be fun and goofy.
How He Did: Top 10, yo! Too bad his hatred for Nick V. annoyed Kaitlyn, the other guys and us.
Justin
Job: fitness trainer
Need to Know: In order to stand out, he decides to use a bunch of helium-filled balloons to offer his high-pitched compliments to both women. Funny. And he's also good at answering these questions. Almost too good. But we can't help but like the dude. We see him going far.
Who He'll Pick: Kaitlyn
How He'll Do: Cut before the final four.
How He Did: Well, he was cut before the final four?! Just way before it. Like top 10.
JJ
Job: former investment banker
Need to Know: JJ had a typo in his answers. And is concerned about wasting money on someone who is just using him for dinner on a date. He also would like you to know he won $20,000 betting on a college football game. And no, the typo wasn't his job: investment banker.
Who He'll Pick: Kaitlyn
How He'll Do: Final four.
How He Did: Top nine, sent home on the two-on-one date after admitting he cheated on his wife.
Tanner
Job: auto finance manager
Need to Know: Tanner loves country music and he considers trying out for this show the most outrageous things he's ever done, and he don't want no sloppy drunks. Conversationalists need apply. And he attempts to stand out on opening night by offering Britt a tissue.
Who He'll Pick: Kaitlyn, because we think the tissue joke could backfire with Britt.
How He'll Do: Maybe top five?
How He Did: Curses! Made it to the final eight. Still, pretty darn far for a guy who constantly had to remind people of his name.
Ben Z.
Job: fitness coach
Need to Know: He's a bro, yo. A fitness coach whose favorite movies are Gladiator and Wedding Crashers, he also has a sensitive side apparently, revealing his biggest date fear is falling for someone who doesn't feel the same way. But dammit, Ben won us over with his answer for the one person he would have lunch with: "My mom. I would take any extra second I could get with her." BRB, CRYING FOREVER.
Who He'll Pick: Kaitlyn
How He'll Do: Final four, maybe final two?
How He Did: TWIST. Kaitlyn sent this gentle giant home in the top eight. Devastating. But a good candidate for the next Bach.
Chris "Cupcake"
Job: dentist
Need to Know: Dude's shirt is so bright it's hurting our eyes, and so is his answer to his biggest fear on a date: the girl trying to eat his food. He was once on national TV in his underwear, so we feel confident he's not just using this show as a reason to get back on TV or anything. AND HE SHOWS UP ON THE FIRST NIGHT IN A GIANT CUPCAKE.
Who He'll Pick: Britt
How He'll Do: Midway, maybe? We feel like the cupcake stunt will actually help him.
How He Did: Oof. "Cupcake" cried...and cried...and cried (into his scarf!) when Kaitlyn eliminated him on a date in Ireland. On a cliff. Where she left him, bringing her total number of men down to seven.
Joe
Job: insurance agent
Need to Know: His favorite movies are American Sniper and The Blind Side and he'd love to have lunch with his grandmother just because he misses her. Awww!
Who He'll Pick: Kaitlyn
How He'll Do: Middle of the pack, closer the end, but could be a dark horse.
Ben H.
Job: software specialist
Need to Know: He's 6'4" (!) and his favorite movie is The Sandlot. Not bad!
Who He'll Pick: Kaitlyn
How He'll Do: We'd say Ben H. might be a bit too vanilla for either lady, but they both did cry over farmer Chris Soules. So we're predicting he'll make it to at least the Top 10.