Kristen Bell
"Kristen Bell seems like the kinda person Id be thrilled to be paired up w 4 a school project but then would never wanna hang w her otherwise"
Bob Odenkirk
"im gonna submit bob odenkirk to ugly whites"
Michael Keaton
"Someone just told me I smile like Micheal Keaton and I don't know if I should take one million selfies or put a gun in my mouth."
Alec Baldwin
"Just tried to watch Saturday Night Live — unwatchable! Totally biased, not funny and the Baldwin impersonation just can't get any worse. Sad."
Kumail Nanjiani
"Is Kumail Nanjiani's d--k multiple colors?"
Magic Johnson
"Magic Johnson becoming GM is just another reminder that any stupid person can do anything they set their mind to."
Paul George
"Personally I think Paul George could be traded for like half a bag of saltine crackers."
Zach LaVine
"Zach LaVine looks like the type guy that tried his girlfriend's bra on in college as a joke, but then kinda liked it."
Karl-Anthony Towns
"The dopest thing about Karl-Anthony Towns is that he looks like a gigantic, extraordinarily athletic baby."
Mike Conley
"F--k you and your pineapple head, Mike Conley."
Devin Booker
"Devin Booker looks like a fancy lesbian."
Joel Embiid
"Pretty sure Joel Embiid has the IQ of a squirrel."
Jay Williams
"Jay Williams is a perfect studio analyst. His left eye is looking at his co-host while his right eye is looking into the camera."
Shaquille O'Neal
"I don't think Shaq is dumb, but he sure sounds like it."
Walt Frazier
"Tell Walt Frazier to sit his old porkchop sideburns ass down."
Caron Butler
"If you look up the word douche in the dictionary you'll see a picture of Hitler, but in that picture he's holding up a photo of Caron Butler."
James Harden
"James Harden always looks like he's just about to lead the Israelites through the Red Sea."
DeAndre Jordan
"I bet DeAndre Jordan is so bad a free throws because his eyes are so close together"
Shaquille O'Neal
"Shaq is not shaquille oneal anymore lol hes old and fat...if he lost weight hed be better but i cant say much im addicted to eating too."
Jeff Bridges
"I think Jeff Bridges wears pants a lot less then we all think he does."
Tilda Swinton
"Now's probably a good time to remind everyone about this dog that looks like Tilda Swinton."
Miles Teller
"Miles Teller has the face of a guy who would request Gangnam Style at a wedding where he doesn't know either the bride or groom."
Emma Stone
"Emma Stone looks like a crack whore in every role she plays."
Casey Affleck
"Casey Affleck is the real life version of Billy Bob Thornton's character in Sling Blade."