Mel B
Interesting that Ms. Mel paraded these water balloons at the London premiere of Dead Man Running, because we’d be fleeing from her, too! We’re all for some classy, put-on cleavage, but the Scary Spice stuff is just plain frightening. At least the dress is sexy, doll!
Would you do a woman with these bulletproof cantaloupes?
Kim Cattrall & Miley Cyrus
We can only assume this scene from Sex and the City 2 is supposed to embarrass cougarlicious Sam for wearing the same thing as a 16-year-old. But maybe it’s Miley who shouldn't be putting her girls all on display in this silver, boob-pumping number. And Kim, the kissy face? We're cringing at a 50-plus babe trying to do the pouty lips pose.
Would you smooch either desperate (age-gapped) doll?
George Clooney & Girlfriend Elisabetta Canalis
Don't you all love George because he looks, well, as down-to-earth as an Oscar winner and eternal-hog-riding, Italian-villa-owning bachelor can? These days, though, it's like the Cloonster has a permanent retro George Hamilton photo pose he can't seem to let go of. Even mug monster Paris Hilton figures out a way to shake it up once in a while, man.
Would you fall for a man whose hairspray was more efficient than yours?
Katy Perry
The singer decided to "rock" this peculiar Muppet-covered dress in Paris for Fashion Week. But instead of looking fab, it looked like a toy chest exploded on her dress. Katy, you got yourself an oddly desirable man with Russell Brand; just because you don't need to hook a boyfriend anymore doesn't mean the effort has to go out the window.
Would you seduce a woman seduced by Miss Piggy Couture?
Jon Gosselin
Here he is exiting Larry King donning his now trademark semi-sweaty-looking face. Plus that hair...only Cristiano Ronaldo can maybe pull off the greasy, overgelled look. And that's a maybe. So how the hell is J.G. bedding all of these women? We can only think of the oldest reason in Hollywood—attention.
Would you suffer Jon's head just to get his headlines?
Jake Gyllenhaal
We seriously didn't think Jake Gyllenhaal's campy costume for the upcoming Disney flick Prince of Persia: The Story of Jake's Pecs could get more guffaw-worthy (despite the pretty doable bod itself, minus overdone Fabio trappings). But then we saw J.G.'s Lego action figure. We don't even get a pint-size superhero-esque action figure of chiseled Gyllen-hon to play with, but this supercute and totally harmless plastic children's toy instead?
Would you play with a man whose plaything is so damn stupid?
Taylor Lautner
Whoa. Did somebody's not-painted-on manly abs just shoot him into a sexuality stratosphere usually reserved for the heart-stopping Robert Pattinson, aka Edward Cullen? Uh, sure looks that way!
Would you wanna bounce off Taylor's tummy?
Rachel McAdams
While the usually stunning Rachel can do no wrong in our eyes, there's nothing right about McAdams' puss here, as she's sitting next to her bestie of Fashion Week, Vogue's chief diva-with-a-whip, Anna Wintour.
Would you suck up to this sourpuss?
Mariah Carey
This fashion throwback to Carey's beginning days in the Biz is eons more apt for a 39-year-old woman who's famous for being fond of superskanky hoochie-mama wear. This is how Mariah should always do cleavage: in a classic li'l black dress, not squeezing her overgrown lovelies into Hello Kitty schoolgirl outfits and desperate-for-attention couture.
Would you get butterflies if this babe did ya?
Ashlee Simpson-Wentz
Ash hit the premiere party for Melrose Place (awww!), and all eyes were on her frail frame. If the camera adds on the pounds, can you imagine what ASW looks like in person? The once perfectly sized Simpson is looking more skin and bones than totally boneable.
Would you risk Pete's pounce for this piddling babe?
Renée Zellweger
Renée used to look so adorably perky, like a Texas kewpie doll we all loved to love. But Zell-hon, at the premiere of My One and Only, is all veins and bones. She's showcasing a middle-aged man bod like Madonna, who's 10 years her senior—though Madge wears the muscle look much, much better.
Would you eat garlic to avoid making out with her?
Kellan Lutz
Yowza, check out those bulktastic guns on Twilight guy Kellan. Yummy! We know (and understand) why Robert Pattinson gets all of the media and female hype, but there's totally something about Kellan that just makes us want to rip our clothes off.
Would you risk every Twi-hard in the world hunting you down to sleep with this man?
Kate Gosselin
For a long time we thought Kate was nothing but a demonic, horned diva. But now we know better. All the trash about that scumbag ex-husband of hers is making Kate look tons better. We still think you're a crazy one, but honestly, babe, at least you look good doing it!
Would you risk reality hell to hit that?
Amy Winehouse
We truly can't believe our eyes—not only is the chanteuse not dead, thank heaven, she's looking, dare we say, great? Wine-hon was on her way to court, sure, but sporting a chic new look. Any fashionable female celeb would covet that gray frock on their own court date, surely.
Would you smoke anything to sleep with this woman?