MILF Madness
One guess who's been spending a little too much time up to her elbows in poop and spit-up lately…Just to clarify, Beyoncé's smoking-hot, but the woman delivered a baby four months ago and now she's dressing in a sheer Givenchy gown with strategically placed lace and a feathered train? It reeks of "I got my body back" desperation. Sorry B., save it for the mommy-makeover magazines and get back in touch with your classy self!
Red Carpet Romantic
Scarlett Johansson's used to being groped at awards shows, so it shouldn't come as a surprise that we wanna get to second base with her tonight. The Avengers star is wearing a custom off-the-shoulder Dolce & Gabbana gown with elaborately embroidered bodice and tulle skirt that fits her beautifully. The whole effect is just stunning—even if she doesn't want to make out with us.
Gator Aid
If anyone could take black alligator skin and make it work as a body-hugging gown (rather than a watch strap or a briefcase), it's our girl Rihanna. This Tom Ford number at the Met Gala is sexy without being slutty—even the dip in the back doesn't reveal anything inappropriate, which is a new one for this singer. But we like it. Less is definitely more in this case.
Wrong Place. Wrong Time
What. The. Hell. Is. Kristen. Stewart. Wearing? Ugh, the anti-fashion hipster is always so desperate to stand out from the crowd, and she's achieved it again tonight. Nothing against this multicolor Balenciaga by Nicolas Ghesquière dress, but it's just so casually inappropriate for Met Gala. Of course, the white straitjacket sandals don't help much. Listen, K.Stew, the next time your stylist says, "Just be yourself," do the opposite.
Most Likely to Malfunction
Hey lady, who are you and what have you done with the real Gwyneth Paltrow?! The Goop guru and mother of two rocked the smallest dress at the Met Gala tonight. In fact, this tiny halter strip of Prada fabric with side paillettes, healthy serving of side boob and hiked-up hem might not even qualify as a dress. Whatever. She can be such a drip it's nice to see the Avengers star get in touch with her slutty side once in a while.
Trinket's Touch
No other event—not even the Grammys—brings the crazy like the Met Gala. And the celebrity driving the party bus this year has to be Elizabeth Banks! We love the Hunger Games star but this Mary Katrantzou multilayered dress passed Wackadooville a few stops back and shows no signs of slowing. It's a capelet. It's a bustle. It's four different prints in one package. It's a mess! But we wouldn't have it any other way.
She's Come Undone
Please adjust your seatbacks, tray tables and yards of extra fabric. Christina Ricci looks like a doll in this lattice pattern Thakoon dress with Tiffany & Co. jewels, but that giant silk bow sitting on her shoulder has got to go. The Pan Am star looks like she left before the designer had a chance to finish up and now she's got half the showroom trailing behind her. If you spot a gaggle of seamstresses stalking the red carpet, just yell.
Heavy Metal
If bullets flew out of Carey Mulligan's metallic boobs, we would not be in the least bit surprised. That's the kind of effect a woman has when she dresses for the Met Gala's red carpet like a fembot fatale in search of victims. The good news is this metallic Prada halter dress makes her waist look tiny (and totally detracts from her wedding ring if she was trying to minimize personal gossip), but then again, robots aren't meant to eat anyway.
Caped Couturier
Lana Del Rey saw that The Avengers was No. 1 at the box office this weekend, so now she's decided she wants to be a superhero. Preferably one of the pretty ones who doesn't bulk up so she can slink around in this black cape and Joseph Altuzarra gown with its fitted bodice and sweetheart neckline. Her special power? Repelling haters. The glittering gown actually acts as a special force field against critics.
Green With Envy
Lucky bitch. What else is there to say about Jessica Biel? She looks good with bangs. She doesn't need a bra to pull off this deep-V Prada dress studded with jade stones, matching clutch and shoes and Lorraine Schwartz jewels. Oh yeah, and she's sleeping with Justin Timberlake. And he liked it enough to put a ring on it. Like we said, some girls have all the luck.
The New Normal
This isn't wild for Florence Welch. It's just Monday night. Sure, she might look a little out there in head-to-toe Alexander McQueen with all these tiers, fringe bobbles and mesh detailing but it's all part of her Stevie Nicks-inspired, braid-loving style. It just so happens to mesh with the Met Gala's avant garde dress code. Wait until you see what she looks like when she's really trying to shock us.