ABC; ABC/Donna SvennevikSomething feels wrong in our bones.
At first we thought the vague, nagging feeling was caused by that thing that we lifted that we shouldn't have lifted. Then we realized, no, it's Oprah Winfrey. She's the problem.
She's holding out on us. Has to be. What savvy businesswoman would up and quit a money-making operation?
Unless...
Unless the savvy businesswoman stumbled onto a potentially bigger money-making operation. With a potentially bigger star than her own Oprah self.
Would we dare suggest Oprah's departure from Oprah has nothing to do with literary metaphors (closing a chapter, writing a new story, blah blah blah), and everything to do with none other than Sarah Palin? Oh, yes, we would.
Now, we'd like to note we cannot take full credit for our latest crackpot idea.
On Friday, we were minding our own business, digesting Oprah's exit announcement and mourning the fact that, given likely high ticket demand for her final shows, we'd probably never sit in her audience when she gives out airplanes and stuff.
Then an associate drew our attention to an exchange on NPR in which commentators David Brooks and E.J. Dionne "joked" Oprah was getting out of the Oprah business—and into the Sarah Palin business.
Dionne noted how Palin's appearance on Oprah had goosed the talk show's ratings. Chimed in Brooks: "Oprah is giving her [Palin] a show—that was the secret conspiracy. She is retiring. Sarah will take over."
Much laughter, according to the transcript, ensued.
Funny, we're not chortling along.
We don't know if the NPR guys accidentally nailed it, or if they were working with inside information, but we know what we think: They're right.
Look, one day we see Palin sitting on Oprah's stage. The next, we learn Palin helped Oprah to her best Nielsens since she hosted an Osmond family reunion in 2007. The next day or so after that, we watch Oprah say, thanks, gotta go.
Where we come from (a neighborhood west of the Bermuda Triangle and north of the Grassy Knoll), this sequence of events is as coincidental as Oprah booking Palin during November sweeps, Palin releasing a book in time for holiday shopping season, and John McCain holding his tongue with duct tape and whatever other adhesive materials he can get his hands on.
Think about it. People love to talk about Palin's star power; Oprah sat right across from it. She knows the woman can deliver—bigger than the Osmonds! All of them! She knows the woman has a life and lifestyle that speak to the daytime viewer—motherhood! Teen pregnancy! Glasses! And she knows the woman can talk in completerish sentences than Katie Couric would lead you to believe.
If Oprah's bones are telling her it's time to leave her talk show, then we suggest her mouth's telling her staff to get the former governor of Alaska on the phone—pronto!
Think about it. Oprah gets to move behind the camera, where 10 pounds are not added. She gets to attach her star to Palin's rising one. And given the fact that Palin's only 45 (a decade younger than Oprah), she gets to rule daytime TV for another 25 years.
As an added bonus, an Oprah-produced Palin show would keep Palin too busy to run against Oprah-endorsed Barack Obama in 2012.
Oh, we feel it in our bones! This time, we're right!
Then again…
The Oprah's-leaving-Oprah story was around weeks before the Palin episode ran—and rated high—last week.
Our bones just got that achy feeling again.