Michelle Williams
"Michelle has gone from My Week With Marilyn to My Year As Justin Bieber."
Viola Davis
"She didn't wear color and chose this white dress because she had to leave immediately after the SAG awards to start work shooting, Tyler Perry's Toga Party."
Tilda Swinton
"It's Casper the asexual ghost. This woman defines her style with one word: 'Boo!'"
Tina Fey
"Don't you hate it when your deodorant rubs off on your dress?"
"Her dress is vintage Versace. People confuse the words vintage and antique. Vintage is Tina Fey's dress. Antique is Donatella Versace's face."
Emma Stone
"Aren't you only allowed to wear a belt like that if you have super powers and fight crime?"
Zooey Deschanel
"People call her a-dork-able. She must have been a-drunk-able when she picked this dress."
"I was in the bathroom when she posed on the carpet but I bet you 10 bucks she did this (point to cheek)."
Taraji P. Henson
"She looks like she was dipped in silver…and then had s--t thrown at her by a pack of wild orangutans."
Claire Danes
"Matthew McConaughey loved this dress. He said, 'Hot damn! You'd make one pretty bong!' "
"She should thin her nose."
Melissa McCarthy
"Jenny McCarthy is her cousin. She comes from a very large Irish family. Which apparently she ate before she got in the limo."
Rachel Taylor, Annie Ilonzeh & Minka Kelly
"I think Minka looks dowdy, but she told me why. She said after dating Derek Jeter and John Mayer she wants to give her p---y some time off."
"Rachel Taylor looks like Renée Zelweger in Chicago, but with a face you can look at."
"Annie's the first black Charlie's Angel. It's historic. She's like the Rosa Parks of crime-solving sluts."
Heidi Klum
"I saw this on a show on the Discovery channel called I Didn't Know My Dress Had a 75-Pound Tumor."
Paula Abdul
"She looks great. You know what they say,' Crazy don't crack.' "
Cate Blanchett
"This is why a colonoscopy is so important after 40. Once those pollops take root, it gets out of control."
Rihanna
"I know this was the Grammys, but in that dress you can almost see her Golden Globes and her Cleo. Then she turned around you could see the rings around Uranus."
"Two things to say about this. It takes balls to wear this and it takes talent to prevent them from showing."
Angelina Jolie
"You want to know the meanest part of all? Jennifer Aniston had that dress on layaway…one payment away."
"Nobody get near mommy with your juicebox, because mommy wants to look good tonight, she's going to make a lady named Jennifer Aniston swallow her tongue."
Natalie Portman
"I know that she won the Oscar and she looked amazing at the Academy Awards and you'd think we'd just dwell on that, but that's not how this show works."
"The rumor is that Natalie's gonna have a boy. It'd be so cute if she named him Oscar and then he could play with Jessica Alba's little boy, Razzie."
"The next day she got her first ultra sound and the doctor said the baby looked healthy, but really embarrassed."
Jennifer Lopez
"She looks so great in this dress and she's so good on Idol, you almost forget what a completely horrible person she is."
"J.Lo's been great on American Idol, I guess it's because she knows what it's like to be a young girl who really wants to sing but doesn't really have the talent."
Julia Ormond & Christina Aguilera
"You know what, she's happy. She looks like the cat that ate the canary…islands."
"Julia looks good and she knows the words for our national anthem."
"I don't remember what her blood alcohol content was, but her cholesterol was over 400."
"Julia looks so fabulous in this dress for a second I thought she was almost back in show business."
Victoria Beckham & January Jones
"Victoria's the nineteenth richest person in Britain…most of that money comes from not buying food."
"January gets so tired of dressing in those early '60s Mad Men bitch style clothes, sometime she just wants to dress like a contemporary bitch."
Jessica Alba
"Hey Nicole Kidman, this is how you do an ugly necklace your daughter made you."
Emma Watson
"The only thing that can stand in her way is if her skull keeps growing."
Halle Berry
"Originally the keyhole went lower, since the custody battle she's trying to show less snatch."
"Prince presented her an award that night and wrote a song about her. 'Cucci in the Pucci.'"
Jennifer Lawrence
"She's so pretty but if you look in her eyes, there is a sadness there. She knows there's trouble. Her next movie is called The Beaver and is being directed by Jodie Foster."
"It takes a toll on a girl going to a bunch of award shows and always losing. After the Oscars she asked her boyfriend if he wanted her to make him a sandwich. He said, 'No. I want Natalie Portman to make me a sandwich.'"
Hailee Steinfeld
"It's very mature for a girl holding a purple bag with tampons in case she gets her first period."
"I saw her at a party and I went over and said, 'Enjoy this moment my dear, you are the princess of Hollywood.' She looked at me and said, 'Security, take this old witch away before she puts a curse on me and steals my youth.' Smart kid…which reminds me, 'Kelly, come here.'"