Lady Gaga
"Charlie Sheen said, 'Duh! Sagging.'"
"Did you ever think you'd look way back at that time she wore a lobster on her head and go, 'She looked really pretty back then.'"
Sandra Bullock
"She's the only person on earth that likes Lady Gaga's new bangs."
"The adopted kid is so embarrassed he's running to Angelina Jolie saying, 'Take me, take me!'"
"If the kidnappers mailed you this photograph, would you pay the random or just let them keep her?"
Winona Ryder
"That is a cute bag…or maybe I should call it Exhibit A?"
"She loves going to red carpet events. It's the only time the flash bulbs and voices are real."
"The only thing scarier than hearing voices in her head, is when they stop."
Helena Bonham Carter
"Listen, you need a dress like this on the red carpet every once in a while so people can take a break from clapping."
Anne Hathaway
"Sure, you got time to walk the red carpet Anne. You're ready. It's gonna be hilarious."
"Her dress was red, which is perfect because it matched her face after her opening bits."
"If one of those oversize flowers squirted water in somebody's face, Anne would've gotten one laugh."
"As hosts, Anne was trying too hard, doing everything she could to make it work and James Franco didn't try it all. Sandra Bullock said it was just like her marriage—only more humilating."
Sandra Bullock
"Time flies! It's hard to believe that just last year she went home with an Oscar and an adulterous asshole."
"Boring dress, no jewelry, hair in a bun. Turns out Jesse James was a way better stylist than we thought."
Jennifer Hudson
"This dress is the most talked about tangerine Versace since Donatella."
"That dress just barely contained Jennifer. The last two boobs that wanted to escape from something that badly were Kaddafi's kids."
Mandy Moore
"Look at that body. Good for her, she did an animated movie, but she didn't just sit around snacking like Kathy Najimi and Randy Newman."
Hailee Steinfeld
"She looks like she should be on top of a music box and the song playing is, 'It's All Downhill From Here.'"
Natalie Portman
"The rumor is that Natalie's gonna have a boy. It'd be so cute if she named him Oscar and then he could play with Jessica Alba's little boy, Razzie."
Mila Kunis
"Natalie Portman got an Oscar, but this kid got a three-picture deal and a marriage proposal from a Saudi prince."
Cate Blanchett
"Never mind a dry cleaner, she should take it to a dermatologist. That dress can not have any chocolate or potato chips until it clears up."
"If Mother Teresa were alive she'd put her arms around it and do a healing prayer."
"This dress is like Kirk Douglas' speech, I didn't understand any of it. And it was too long."
Reese Witherspoon
"This is what happens when you buy your fake hair at truck stops."
"This dress is like Thanksgiving at Heidi Klum's. A little bit of white and mostly black."
Helen Mirren
"It's a shame the only men old enough to screw her can't see how good she looks."
Sharon Stone
"This is what happens when you only get one voice talking in your head at a time."
"She said to Hailee Steinfeld, 'I loved you in True Grit. (Demon voice.) How would you like to be Immortal?"
Marisa Tomei
"There are two rumors floating around Hollywood. One, that she didn't win the Oscar and two, she dresses like shit. One of them isn't true."
"It looks better in person and from a couple miles back."
Russell Brand
"He looks like a man who by court order can't go within a thousand yards of an elementary school."
"He really tried, he got a flea dip before the show."
Céline Dion
"Céline was there to sing during the in memoriam concert. Perfect choice, she knew to keep it tasteful. You can't show up with your tits out and be like, 'Let's hear it for the dead people!'"
"She's a good singer, but I hate all of her pretend Frenchy talk no one understands."
Florence Welch
"That looks like a dress you'd wash on a rock in the Chat-a-Hoochie river. Which is ironic because her hair has clearly never been washed…nor has her chad-a-hoochie."
"During an interview she can also tell your fortune."
Gwyneth Paltrow
"Her hair is so dead it was in the death reel that Céline Dion sang."
"When she wears this dress and walks through her door it makes that Star Trek sound."
Javier Bardem & Penelopé Cruz
"Penelopé brought the milk, Javier brought the cookies. And I'm guessing he ate them in limo."
"Sofia Vergara looked at that dress and said (accent), 'I don't know. Eetz a little much.'"
"She's breastfeeding, the baby was born 6 lbs., 8 ozs. but as of this morning the kid weights 350 lbs."
Matthew McConaughey & Camila Alves
"It's weird to be looking at a picture of Matthew McConaughey in it and staring at someone else's chest."
Annette Bening & Warren Beatty
"Annette is a rarity in Hollywood because she looks like she hasn't had any work done. And to that I say, 'Idiot.'"
Nicole Kidman
"It reminds me of Spider-Man the musical, it's a total disaster."