Heidi Klum
"I hate that dress, but at least she's not pregnant in it."
"You can tell she doesn't want to have any more kids. She's wearing this just to keep him [Seal] off her."
"Heidi came up with a name to describe her look. I can't pronounce it, it's in German…but the English translation is 'boner-shrinker.' "
Jennifer Lopez
"Her new single is "On the Floor" and that's where she should have left that dress."
"Jennifer used the Golden Globes to remind the world that she's not just an actress, singer and American Idol judge. She's also married to what's-his-name."
"J.Lo looked like she was having a really good time, laughing and smiling and being all warm and friendly. I almost didn't recognize her."
Catherine Zeta Jones
"The good news is that his [Michael Douglas] tumor has disappeared. The bad news is that her dress has not."
"The dress is a winner on the red carpet and it took Best Volcano at her kid's science fair."
January Jones
"January, I love the suspenders, but perhaps something underneath would help."
"January, no matter how you slut it up, Ashton Kutcher is not coming back. Demi doesn't even let him play in the backyard anymore."
"Well, she's buckled the twins in for safety, so I guess she's ready to hit the road."
Julianne Moore
"Don't worry! The kids are all right. Yes, Julianne's babysitter canceled but she ripped off her right sleeve and tied the kids to a chair. So they'll be fine."
"That extra sleeve is like her full frontal nude scene in Short Cuts. I screamed in horror when I first saw it, and now I'll never get it out of my mind."
"I'm not suggesting they drink a lot at the Golden Globes, but when Julianne showed up in this dress it had two sleeves."
Christina Hendricks
"That's a lot of red, which you can still say when she takes the dress off."
"Seriously, are they growing? In the next season of Mad Men her story is about how she can't reach the typewriter."
Angelina Jolie
"This woman is so sexy, she can wear floor length, long sleeved, and still, I'm thinking about her vagina."
"Angelina and Brad were so lovey-dovey at the awards that Jennifer Aniston, watching at home, did the unthinkable…she called Domino's."
"We make fun of her for adopting all those kids, but I'll tell you what, their teensy little fingers do amazing bead work."
"That dress is adopt-another-orphan gorgeous."
Mila Kunis
"Mila Kunis showed up saying, 'Hello Hollywood, I'm the new Angelina Jolie.' Then Angelina Jolie showed up and said, 'Not so fast, bitch.' "
"Did you see her make out with Natalie Portman in Black Swan? Between her, Jane Lynch and Keith Urban, the lesbians all looked amazing!"
"There must have been a heist on the red carpet. Either it was a trend to not have necklaces, or Winona Ryder was there."
Sandra Bullock
"This dress is like quicksand—the more you struggle, the deeper you sink. She needs a friend to hold out a tree branch and pull her out."
"This is sadder than Schindler's List and Blue Valentine combined."
Scarlett Johansson
"Finally Sandra and Scarlett stopped fighting over Ryan Reynolds and started fighting over who could look less f--kable."
"I didn't even know she was in The Walking Dead."
"She got in a freak leaf blower accident on the way to the ceremony."
"Scarlett looks like she can't remember who she's supposed to be pretending she's not dating."
Anne Hathaway
"You know how you see people saving giant jars full of pennies? Well, so did Mr Armani."
"She's a smart one. Ocsar hosts are always in danger of assassination attempts, so you gotta go bulletproof."
"Anne starred in Love and Other Drugs and I'm pretty sure it was the other drugs that made the puffed sleeves seem like a good choice."
Helena Bonham Carter
"Bjork is yelling at the TV screen in Iceland saying, 'You son of a bitch!' "
"A sentence she has never said: Do I have something in my teeth?"
"She wears this just in case anybody forgets she's married to Tim Burton."
"This is what happens when you get energy efficient light bulbs—you can't see for shit when you're getting dressed."
Emma Stone
"After seeing this, I'm not sure Calvin Klein is gay."
"Emma, your face should only match your dress when the color of your dress is nude."
Julianne Hough
"Looks like the mother of the boy who's being bar mitzvah'ed upstaging her own son. 'What, it's just a black dress? It's just a smatta.'"
"She looks like a blackjack dealer from the Luxor in Las Vegas."
Sarah Hyland
"She didn't want to look like that fat ass Courteney Cox."
"She looks like a girl who won a ticket from the Make-a-Wish foundation."
"That dress looks better with the feeding tube."
Hailee Steinfeld
"This is the kind of child I adore. Clean, hair off her face, and not talking."
"Enjoy this, my little darling, because pretty soon, you get boobies, and then not long after that, you get long, saggy, stretched out disgusting boobies. Sleep tight."
"I love the new can of Pringles purse thing they're doing now."
Christina Aguilera
"Cher said, "You're gonna wear that?' "
"Give her a break. She's saving her good dress for the Razzies."
Eva Longoria
"Her dress looks tight, but you can move in it in case you have to throw someone's belongings out on the lawn."
"I don't know who her jeweler is, but he gave great advice. Nothing is better than two big ones."
"She tripped twice during the night—once on stage and once earlier on Tony's cold dead body."
"She looks great and, Tony, in case you're wondering…Yeah, she's still pissed."
Olivia Wilde
"Olivia wants us to know how big a star she is because she wore the entire solar system."
"I asked Stephen Hawking to explain the Big Bang and he referred me to this dress."
"So beautiful. She's like Ricky Martin's Barbie come to life."
Julie Bowen
"She's wearing the dust ruffle from Sigfried and Roy's canopy bed."
"It looks like she got the dress caught in a wood chipper."
"The style says fun. The fit says glamour. The drab color says I'm a depressed mother of twin toddlers."
"This dress looks like two feather boas mating."
"Her dress is like the script of The King's Speech…it starts a little stuttery…then it goes smooth for a while…and then it gets stuttery again."
Piper Perabo
"Here's your classic Little Black Dress…with About Seven Yards of Extra Material."
"Kelsey Grammer would not be caught dead in this dress."
"Piper Perabo will be remembered for this big shoulder bow…especially since no one watches that show she's on."
Amber Riley
"I don't want to be there when Amber finds out Aretha Franklin thinks Halle Berry should play her."
"Watch your back, Jennifer Hudson."
Leighton Meester
"This is how bad her taste is: Julianne Moore has the same purse."
"She's like the youngest sister wife, and the others got together, and made her something really slutty to wear the prom."
"She should be smiling more. Blake Lively's not even there."
"That dress is boring and the bag is weird, but I'm giving her a rave review because she doesn't look like a complete idiot."
Kate Bosworth & Tilda Swinton
"If the Amish had television, they'd be throwing up in their mouths."
"If she were a little less masculine she could have played the other twin in The Social Network."
"Tilda Swindon was like, 'I love it, but can we make the top less girly-girl? Ick.'"
"Jil Sander is such a versatile designer. She can make this dress for a woman or a man."
"It's great when a lady finds that perfect red carpet gown, and they feel so beautiful. You can see it in their eyes. Their frightening, beady, gender non-specific eyes."
"Kate has her hand on a little pistol, because she heard a rumor that Tilda Swindon was comin' and that s--t is no joke."
"She may not be the most beautiful actress in Hollywood…No, that's it."