Kim Kardashian
"She looks like the Greek goddess, Aphrodisiac.
"You think that's a lot of bling on the dress, you should see all the rocks she stuffed up her vagina."
Hilary Swank
"She knew she wasn't going to win, which explains the long face."
"More people saw her in this dress than saw her in Conviction."
Eva Longoria
"She needs to be careful or she'll double dribble right out of that dress."
Jennifer Lawrence
"Dress should come with a tip jar."
"Look, maybe in the Sears catalog it wasn't that pink."
Hailee Steinfeld
"I wanted to adjust the vertical on that dress, but she's only 14 and I couldn't find the knobs."
"That dress makes her look like she's going to the Taco Bell formal."
Mila Kunis
"I'm Mila Kunis and I'm a blood donor."
"Her dress is by Color Me Mine."
Angie Harmon
"She looks like a big fancy cake she's never had a bite of."
Jane Lynch
"In defense of that dress, it does look better on Kelsey Grammer."
Nicole Kidman
"You should have seen Nicole's face light up when her stylist showed her that dress. She was like...[neutral face]."
Kyra Sedgwick
"If you name all the guys she's slept with, you always get to Kevin Bacon in six steps or less."
Julie Bowen
"There's a pattern here. First you have toddler twins, then a full time job, then you start working out obsessively, then you wear a pantsuit to an award show, and then you snap."
Julia Stiles
"Oh, don't you hate when you run out of toner halfway through a job."
"This is why you don't use bleach on the dark load."
Amy Adams
"Can a baby bump be on the side? Is she having twins?"
"Up for Best Supporting Actress but dressed as Least Supported Actress."
Sofia Vergara
"They're not the SAG awards when she's there. She walked in and they changed the name to the Way Up High awards."
Sarah Hyland
"She's dressed for prom night at the Home Depot."
"Well someone's not going to be in any hunting accidents."
"I like that color, Snooki orange."
Lea Michele
"This girl works the red carpet like no one else...Pose, pose, pose. When you grow up thinking you're ‘the talented girl,' and then you find out you're ‘the pretty girl,' you can't wait to show off your poses."
Jenna Ushkowitz
"Tiger Woods saw her in that dress, put a flag in her bellybutton and called it a par 4."
Amber Riley
"The only thing wrong is the designer's name. Anne Barge? Really?"
Lea Michele
"I can't decide if it's a youthful, edgy spin on a classic sillouette, or she got molested in the parking lot."
"Why is she in the Comedy segment? Oh, right. Imagine her trying to pee while wearing this dress. Now that's funny."
"Her messed-up hair makes me think of Kelsey Grammer after the divorce settlement: freshly f--ked."
Natalie Portman
"She looks like an ottoman in a stripper's dressing room."
"The flower isn't even part of the dress. It's just what grows out of you when you f--k a ballet dancer."
"In lieu of flowers, the family has requested sending this dress."
Michelle Williams
"Hey, that's the shower curtain from the Brady Bunch house."
"This is not a dress you wear to the Golden Globes! This you wear to a daytime wedding, if you hate the bride and want to ruin the most special day of her life."
"If she doesn't win the Globe, she's still favored to win ‘Second Grade Teacher of the Year' at Long Island Elementary. The kids just love her."
Halle Berry
"Nominated for a movie where she played a woman with multiple personalities, clearly the slutty ones picked the outfit."
"That dress is shorter than her last relationship."
"Her life coach told her, 'Quit hiding your light under a bushel. Oh, and while you're at it, quit hiding your bushel, too.'"
Nicole Kidman & Keith Urban
"Nicole Kidman looks pretty good, too. She's so funny! She loves to go one shouldered so she can still make those armpit fart noises."
"They are adorable together. Whenever they have a big event, they sleep in, have a late lunch, iron each other's hair and then jump in the limo."
"Keith loves when Nicole's face can smile."
Megan Fox
"I can explain Megan's outfit. Brian took her to the Spelling mansion to meet Candy, but she went snooping in the gift-wrapping room and got caught in the ribbon machine."
"Megan can't figure out why some weirdo leaves a dozen fresh roses on her right forearm every day."
"Megan brought the sexy and Brian…well, he brought Megan."