Mary Kate & Ashley Olsen
"I hate Ashley's dress. She's one of America's most successful designers and she's wearing the thing you put over your bird cage to keep your parakeet from squawking."
"They're both so uptight. They should make a 'Call Me Maybe' video. It'll loosen them up. It worked wonders for me. I feel 75 again!"
Fergie
"Fergie looks so uncomfort-able. Did someone make her wear underwear?"
"Afterwards, Fergie said she loved the movie. I screamed, ‘Liar, liar, purse on fire!"
"Oh, I get it, they dressed like people in the film. I did the same thing at Schindler's List."
"Get used to that sour look on Fergie's face. Everyone who comes out of the theater will have that look on their face."
Elizabeth Taylor & Lindsay Lohan
"I read in People magazine that everyone gasped when Lindsay stepped out of the dressing room in costume. But they also gasp anytime she shows up for work, gets close to her mark or says a line with some of the right words in it."
Meryl Streep
"If you squint she looks just like John Lennon. (So, maybe we can blame this whole horror on Yoko Ono.)"
Lil Kim
"Adele wasn't kidding when she said the next album was going to be different."
"Blond hair, thick legs, power heels. Hillary Clinton. (And I just hope her Activia doesn't suddenly kick in.)"
"Here's Lil Kim performing at Gay Pride, which is brave because there are 500 gay guys there who look more like Lil Kim than she does."
"After looking at her, the Mayor of West Hollywood decreed she can't call herself ‘Lil' anymore."
Justin Bieber
"It can't be Ben Stiller because he's never been in anything with more than one-and-a-half stars."
"It's a drunken Italian baby running wild. Did Snooki give birth already?
"Attention: Girls you need to back off. Every time Justin Bieber gets an erection, an angel loses its wings."
Lindsay Lohan’s Porsche
"The Porsche was a rental! And I want to know who is crazy enough to rent anything to Lindsay Lohan?"
Blake Lively
"Blake's been saying, ‘Food is the number one love in her life.' How do you listen to this and not say, ‘Oh, come on!'?"
"I love that men's jacket on the cover because it reminds me of all the good times I had after sex—putting on his jacket, taking his car and wallet, maybe a kidney—and getting the fuck out before his wife came home. (I love that so much more than cuddling.)"
"What job is it okay to wear a blazer with no shirt or no pants? And don't list the obvious ones like whore or senator."
Leighton Meester
"I've been on this trend for years. One of my closest friends is a gay paraplegic, so he's both a fruit and a vegetable."
Michelle Monaghan
"So thin! I'm going to clear up a rumor—Michelle does not have a picture of Karen Carpenter on her refrigerator. Look at her, this skinny bitch doesn't have a refrigerator."