Katy Perry
"I saw Part of Me In 3D and it was so fun. The bullshit jumped right off the screen and got right up in my face."
Kelis
"I don't understand, after your divorce you left your wedding dress behind, but you took this one with you?"
Olivia Palermo
"Her knees are in worse shape than Mickey Rourke."
Fan Bing Bing
"This photo was taken on July 3rd. Of course, she began walking in that dress on October 4th, 2007."
"Wait a second! I've been looking for my bath robe for a month now. Bing-Bing, you're in deep shit-shit."
"Love the attitude! She was walking away when she heard someone say something negative about her so she turned around and said 'Excuse me? What did you just say about Fan Bing Bing?'"
Sharon Stone
"Sharon's such a survivor. When she has a bad day she doesn't hide, She gives herself a pep talk. She looks in the mirror and says, 'You are Sharon Stone, Damn it! Now go out there and fuck!'"
"While Sharon was in Paris, she got to be the first person to sit on the Schiaparelli showroom's new satin couch. (That explains the snail trail.)"
"Check out the neckline. I haven't seen anything plunge like that since Natalie Wood fell off the boat."
Tyra Banks
"Tyra is hosting a new competition for plus sized models called 'America's next top waddle.'"
"Tyra brags that her new boyfriend is 14 years younger than her. Disgusting! It would be like me saying 'I'm dating some 65-year-old stud muffin just for his hot body. His man boobs whoo whoo!'"
Janice Dickinson From the Back
"I think it's Anna Wintour and she's telling that dog if he doesn't drop 10 pounds by sundown she'll have him put to sleep."
"No wait. This woman looks like she's had a lot of experience working with bitches. Eva Longoria."
Janice Dickinson From the Front
"Let's start with something positive. No matter what Janice looks like here, she is not dead."
"Those look like clip-on boobs."
"There comes a time when a model needs to stop dressing like a whore and tastefully take her own life."
Anne Hathaway
"Anne lost 16 pounds by only eating hummus and radishes. Notice how far back those people are, they know a hummus fart can kill you."
"Hate it! Guys, if you ever fantasized about fucking Rachel Maddow, this is as close as you are going to get."
"Why is she dressed like a 12-year-old boy? Does she have a crush on a catholic priest?"
Rihanna
"Wrong for the city. I haven't seen that much pink crepe fluttering in the wind since I played nude volley ball with Martha Stewart and Doris Roberts."
Madonna on Tour
"Rah-rah-rah! Go-grand-ma! Sis-boom-barf."
"This is just sad, like seeing Nancy Regan buy a tube of K-Y jelly. Have a little dignity, Madge!"
Eva Longoria
"Love this dress. The pattern is mostly white with just a touch of black to make it interesting. I call it a Mariah Carey stripe."
"I know what's not in those pockets: a king sized Almond Joy."
Madonna
"I don't buy Madonna calling this a 'nip slip.' Tha'ts like me saying I just 'accidentally' fell into a plastic surgeon office and then when I was trying to tie my shoe I fainted onto the operating table. 19 times."
Francesca Eastwood
"When you were 9, you and your mother escaped from a fire. Did you feel lucky? Let me say it like your father, 'Did you feel lucky, punk?'"
"Does your dad ever raise his voice? Can you ask him to? Because I can't hear a thing he says."
Katy Perry
"Why does Katy insist on wearing those short bangs? Aren't short bangs the main reason her marriage broke up?"
"Katy has a new movie coming out this summer. I can't remember the name so I just call it 'Katy Perry: Who Gives a Shit?' in 3D"
Katy Perry
"Ick! The cocoon, it's all gray and beat up. It looks like Betty White went on a date with Chris Brown."
"Katy thinks she's so original. She turns into a butterfly. Big deal! Courtney Love did it first when she stopped showering and turned into a stinkbug."
Kelly Clarkson
"I like the dress, but not on her because she's too big. She's a big girl. On the show Duets they made her sing all by herself."
"I just love her and Kelly's new song is about how everyone has a 'dark side,' but I don't believe that. Now, George, it's your turn to talk, and don't fuck it up this time nancy boy!"
"Ugh, I recognize that look on her face. Her diet pill just wore off and the saxophone player looks delicious."
Kylie Minogue as Aphrodite
"When you wore this, you had dozens of men dancing and flying all around you. Forget 'Aphroditie,' you should have called it 'Cirque du So Gay.'"
Kylie Minogue
"I can't wear green, every time I do people think that I'm starting to decompose."
Kylie Minogue
"You look like a villainess in a Bond film. You could be, 'Gold Fingered.'"
Britney Spears
"You know what they say: ‘You can take the girl out of wal-mart, but…' well, actually it's pretty hard to get Britney out of Wal-mart."
Emma Stone
"People wondered why they didn't make another Spiderman movie with the original cast, but Kurse-ten Dunst didn't want to be typecast as one of those actresses that is always working."
Aubrey O'Day
"Aubrey's new single is 'Wrecking Ball' (which, obviously, refers to her tits' day job)."
Lea Michele
"I like everything except the giant opening. Not the back, I'm talking about her mouth. (She caught three Frisbees with her teeth.)"