Keira Knightley
"Fresh from rolling around in a pile of leaves, ladies and gentlemen please welcome Keira Knightley!"
"You know what annoys me about her? Her giant teeth. (And didn't Keira star in War Horse?) You can't blame me, I asked her what time it was and she went neigh and stomp."
"Keira was promoting her new movie Anna Karenina. (Which is based on the famous Leo Tolstoy e-book.)"
Mariah Carey
"It's off her new album, Happy Holidays From Plumber's Crack Tits."
"Great party! All the kids got milk and cookies. Santa provided the cookies and Mariah obviously provided the milk."
"To see Mariah smiling is wonderful. (She's been through such tragedy.) She was breast feeding one of her babies and it burst. (It was like trying to take a sip of water out of a fire hydrant.)"
Gwyneth Paltrow
"Love the outfit, but Gwyneth looks awful. Her chest is flatter than Kirstie Alley's sofa cushions."
"Very chic. You know why there is no one near her? Vee-gan farts."
"Gwyneth says she only wants to take one job a year because she's so busy with her, 'duties as mother.' (And her 2 babysitters and all 3 of her nannies agreed.)"
Terrence Jenkins Interview
"In 6 more months you'll have a real mustash like a big boy."
"Who is your number one dream person to interview?"
"You're the ambassador for crown royal black whiskey…Is there a crown royal Jew whiskey and if so, can you hook me up?"
Anne Hathaway & Amanda Seyfried
"Amanda was saying, 'See Anne, this is what tits look like.'"
"And Anne is saying, 'Listen sister, you have exactly 3 seconds to get out of my shot before I gut you like a fish."
"This picture is historic. Here we are about to see Anne regurgitate into Amanda's mouth, thus completing the circle of life."
Amanda Seyfried
"If this dress were a baby, it would have been wrapped in a news paper and abandoned in a mall bathroom. Amanda's eyes are so far apart, that when she cries she cries down her back. (It's an asset in a way, she can wipe her ass without turning her head.)"
Victoria Beckham
"Victoria ran into Sharon Stone a minute later and Sharon said, 'Your date is hot, where did you meet him?'"
Paris Hilton vs. Lady Gaga
"I haven't seen that many safety pins on one woman since I changed Betty White's diapers."
"Paris is wearing it correctly but she is so over. She starts every day looking in the mirror saying, 'Why couldn't I have been born armenian?'"
"I'm sorry, but Paris looks better. The only thing I'd do differently with Paris is I'd drop a piano on her."
Miley Cyrus
"How sweet is that? Miley's adopting that dwarf from Game of Thrones."
Kylie Minogue
"Kylie just bragged to the press, 'I can swear like a trucker' and I want to say, 'Please don't.' It is so fucking tacky when a woman curses."
Selena Gomez
"I'm going to say something Selena hasn't heard since she started dating Justin Bieber: 'It's too old for you!'"
"After Selena started dating Justin she got a big head. Literally. When her mother gave birth to her, she screamed so much, they had to give her father an e-pee-see-atomy."
Morena Baccarin: Best
"You look beautiful and this is a hard shade of gray to wear. It's the same color as Lindsay Lohan's lungs."
Nicki Minaj
"I'm all for promoting awareness, but this is no way to treat the AIDS quilt."
"Nicki looks like Little Bo Peep's pap smear."
Lindsay Lohan
"She's such a disaster, when trains actually wreck now they call them 'Lindsay Lohan's.'"
Chloe Sevigny
"Chloe always picks things you wear when you can't find your rape whistle."
"Chloe looks like what came buzzing out of the chamber in the movie The Fly. Jeff Goldblum went in and this monster came out."
Sinead O'Connor
"I think it's great these women were able to get pregnant so late in life."
Beyonce
"You know what it looks like? Like she ate broccoli and chili and got a big fart stuck in her skirt."
Julianne Moore
"When we first featured this dress, I thought that no one would look good in it, but that was before Britney and Abbey from TLC. (They could rock the shit out of this look.)"
"In fairness, Julianne wore this because she has goals. In 2013 she's going to try to wear 3 dresses at one time."
Kim Kardashian
"I want to end with something positive. It's just nice to see a train rolling through Frankfurt that's not on it's way to Auschwitz."
"Kim Kardashian wearing anything extra on her huge ass is like Lea Michele wearing a clown nose."
Kristen Stewart & Robert Pattinson
"There is a lot of symbolism in the colors they chose. His green is the color of balance, healing, and hope, whereas her beige is the color of a cheating asshole."
Rita Ora
"Only negative is maybe it's a bit too scarlet. (I haven't seen this much red since I went to Jeffrey Dahmer's all you can eat buffet.)"
Carly Rae Jepsen
"In this outfit it's not "Call Me Maybe," it's call me never."
Mischa Barton
"It's appropriate that her dress was inspired by an Indian sari, because we deserve an apology. Sorry."
Dakota Fanning
"In that dress, Dakota's gone from I Am Sam to Hot I'm Not."
"Somebody call Sally Field! This kid needs Boniva."
"Dakota and Elle Fanning. They're my favorite siblings since Lyle and Erik Menendez went to jail."