Elle Fanning
"I like it. Hollywood is so youth obsessed. Elle is obviously going for the "unborn fetus" look."
"Some people like them. I heard Tom Cruise just ordered a pair to wear in the steam room."
"Elle used to get her older sister, Dakota's parts. Now Justin Bieber gets them. Kimora, who do we have next?"
Heidi Klum
"I always use shoe laces to hold my tits in. (Only my laces are actually in my shoes when I do it.)"
Christina Aguilera
"Look at Christina's ass! The 50 stars on our flag represent the 50 states, whereas the four hundred and eighty six stars on Christina's jeans represent pies."
"Christina's got more junk in that trunk than a full season of Storage Wars."
"I don't know where she's going in this picture, but I'm praying it's into a Jenny Craig."
Marion Cotillard
"I assume Marion is in the new Bond film, because I see pussy galore."
"Her new movie is called Rust & Bone. I remember, because I thought it was the name of Larry King's sex tape."
"Only negative is I think there is more white than black, it reminds me of Michael Jackson on his death bed."
Nicole Kidman
"And she does remind me of Audrey Hepburn in one way. Neither one of their faces has moved since the '90s."
Rihanna
"I don't like camouflage track pants, but I do think Rihanna would be great in the military. She could be an officer, because she's used to having lots of different men serving under her."
Berenice Marlohe
"I love a full-length coat that covers every bit of flesh. (How can we get Lady Gaga into one of these?)"
Lady Gaga
"Are you sure this is Lady Gaga? I think this might be her special needs cousin, Lady Duh-duh."
"Good for her, she's having fun at the beach enjoying nature—despite what it did to her."
"Look at those teeth. She can eat corn on the cob through a picket fence."
Solange Knowles
"My mother told me if I didn't have anything nice to say then I shouldn't say anything at all...Oh, screw it. If I listened to her we'd have no show."
"I like the shoes. And imagine how great they'd look on a celebrity."
"Hate the dress. All those checks and plaids. This is like Kirstie Alley's plate at a buffet—there's way too much going on."
Joss Stone
"It's nice how we learn things on this show. Like the differences between America and England. Apparently in England when you donate clothes to Goodwill, you don't put them in trash bags, you just wear them over."
Jennifer Hudson
"So cutesy. It looks like she's saying, 'Santa will be right back. Kids. He's just taking a piss break.'"
Halle Berry
"Critics are divided by Halle's new movie, Cloud Atlas. Some hate it. And some really hate it."
Barbra Streisand
"First of all, Barbra. Teeth in before the show."
"Front row tickets were $1500 and then they added $100 for every row further away from Barbra you wanted to sit."
"Face it, Barbra was too old for this dress. As is her audience. When she sang, 'Papa Can You Hear Me?' they were going, 'What? What did she say?'"
Carmen Electra - Best
"Carmen, can I run something by you? My urine has been this exact same yellow recently. Do you think something is wrong with me?"
Carmen Electra - Worst
"Am I going crazy or were your breasts much bigger then? Are they snap-on's? Instead of nipples, do you have air vents that let some of the air out?"
Carmen Electra Interview
"David Hasselhoff said you were his favorite of all the Baywatch girls. He said you were, 'A good actress and you always knew your lines.' (Is it true most of the Baywatch girls couldn't swim?)"
"Your single is called 'I Like It Loud.' Are you loud in bed? (I'm very loud in bed. Not any more since I stopped eating broccoli after 6 p.m.)"
Britney Spears
"Every time Britney Spears smiles it looks like she's about to say, 'I'm sorry, y'all. Don't be mad, but I sat in y'all's cake.'"
Daniel Craig
"Look at his face. He's only 44. The boardwalk on the Jersey Shore is holding up better than his face."
"John Travolta was originally cast as James Bond, but during the fight scenes his wig kept falling off."
Keith Urban
"I know why Keith has that look on his face. Snookie took a shit in the pool again."
Lisa Marie Presley & Michael Lockwood
"You want to know how sad this is? Lisa Marie was married to Michael Jackson. This means her taste in men is getting better."
Kellie Pickler
"I like the dress, but the fit! I haven't seen this much stuff crammed into a cup since Christina Aguilera went to Häagen–Dazs."
"Kellie shaved her head to fight breast cancer. Britney shaved her head because the slurpee machine broke. (Just something to think about.)"
Hayden Panettiere
"Gossip! I hear Hayden's not very nice. Her staff calls her 'Plutonium'. She glows and she's pretty, but if you touch her she will fucking kill you."
Sharon Stone
"This is what shows up when someone at Downton Abbey orders a hooker."
Carrie Underwood
"But it doesn't matter what I say about Carrie, because she is rich. She has more hits than a bong at Snoop Dogg's house."