Season Three
Hiram: "New plan. I'm going to fake an epileptic seizure."
LeRoy: "You're not an epileptic."
Hiram: "That's why I'm going to fake it."
Season Three
"We've never lied to her like this before. Honesty, respect, dance. Those are the foundations of the Berry family."—Hiram
Season Three
"No single people allowed. They're sad. And boring. And they don't exist in my world."—Sugar
Season Three
"I would love to see you sing something straight."—Leroy to Hiram
Season Three
"Why don't you just dress up as the Taco Bell chihuahua and bark the theme to Dora the Explorer?"—Santana
Season Three
"I'm sorry, I'm trying to listen, but you have some beautiful teeth."—Night school student
Season Three
"William, will you please remove that enormous sombrero so I can break it down for you?!"—Figgins
Season Three
"In jail. Or dead. Or Both."—Puck predicting his future
Season Three
"You told him what we were gonna do. You're like a modern day Eggs Benedict."—Puck
Season Three
"You may look like the villain out of a cheesy '80s high school movie, but you should know that I'm fully prepared to go all Daniel LaRusso on your ass."—Santana
Season Three
"I can't stand the stench of public schools."—Sebastian
Season Three
"This is what we call taking the high road, which I was shocked to find out has nothing to do with marijuana."—Puck
Season Three
Today's your lucky day because Auntie Snixx just arrived on the Bitchtown Express. Now, my suggestion is we drag him bound and gagged to a tattoo parlor for a tramp stamp that reads "Tips appreciated" or "Congratulations, you're my 100th customer."—Santana
Season Three
"You're like this big gold star and, for some bizarre reason, you chose to let me love you."—Finn to Rachel
Season Three
"I've never seen lips like that on a white child, and one of your nipples is higher than the other."—Coach Roz Washington
Season Three
"It's simple: in my mind, I can sound like whomever I want. So lay off, haters. Okay, let's get reals. I could easily snag any dude east of the Mississippi, but I'm extremely picky. For instance, Rory grins too much. He looks like an insane person. Is that a mohawk, Puckerman, or did someone glue a squirrel to your head? No Chang-do. I'm no rice queen."—Becky's inner monologue
Season Three
"What was your big move then: A Jumbotron that said ‘Hey, Terri, I wanna make a fake baby with you'?"—Santana to Will
Season Three
"It's ‘cause I'm white, right?"—Sam to Mercedes
Season Three
"Holy crap. I'm dating Kim Kardashian!"—Finn
Season Three
"Wheels, Porcelain, Other Gay. The yuletide season is upon us, and everyone knows that Christmas is a time for forgiveness. So I have decided to forgive you for having no talent and ruining the American songbook one mash-up at a time."—Sue to Artie, Kurt and Blaine
Season Three
"Welcome back, Lisa Rinna. I've missed you so much since your family has packed your bags, loaded them into your mouth and skipped town. Can't tell you how many times I've wanted to enjoy a crisp pickle but couldn't find anyone to suck off the jar. I assume you've been working as a baby polisher where young mothers place their infants' heads in your mouth to get back that newborn shine. So glad you're back. I haven't seen a smile that big since a claymation abominable snowman got his teeth pulled by that little gay elf."—Santana
Season Three
"You smell like Craigslist."—Kurt to Sebastian
Season Three
"We're kind of friends, huh?"—Rachel to Quinn
Season Three
"Even homeless people have Facebook."—Finn