Penélope Cruz
"That dress says one thing: movie star. And thank god the dress is doing all the talking, because I can never understand a f--king word that comes out of her mouth."
"She's getting more foreign the longer she lives in this country."
"There was an awkward moment on the red carpet when a photographer yelled, 'Miss Cruz, over here!' And Tom Cruise flew into a rage and punched him in the face."
Gwyneth Paltrow
"What impresses me is that she doesn't seem to notice that everyone hates her."
"That's why she shouldn't wear white: Because you can never tell what's going to be a fart and what's going to be more than a fart."
Rooney Mara
"Rooney finally answers the question, What does Eddie Munster look like in lingerie?"
Miley Cyrus
"I hate that shade of grey. It's the color of a dead tooth."
Michelle Williams
"It's hard to find something mean to say about a 4-year-old boy."
"I hate her squeaky voice. It always sounds like she just performed oral sex on a tank of helium."
Jennifer Lopez
"I hate the illusion on the arms. It gets crunchy and it looks like a wrinkled scrotum."
Rose Byrne
"She looks like the love child of Anna Wintour and an eel."
Kristen Wiig
"This is not an Oscar dress, this is the lining of an Oscar dress."
Bérénice Bejo
"I saw The Artist on a beautiful wide screen—it was projected on Bérénice's forehead."
Mena Suvari
"She looks totally flocked."
Sasha Gradiva
"This is what happens when you don't have health insurance."
Jessie J
"She looks ilke a baked potato. What do you accessorize a dress like that with, chives?"
Kelly Rowland
"Beautiful! Like Halle Berry, minus the custody battle."
Snooki
"So it looks like those rumors are true: Snooki's a moron."
Alison Krauss
"That outfit is more white and wrinkled than the Beach Boys."
Robyn
"It's a bird, it's a plane, it's fupa-girl."
Adam Levine
"Tom Ford can make any man look distinguished and masculine, except Tom Ford."
Kristen Wiig & Lea Michele
"I look at Kristen and I think, 'I hate that choker.' I look at Lea and I think 'I'd love to choke her.'"
Heather Morris
"This dress is such a train wreck, EMT's were called in to the rescue. And because of you dress, Heather, Facebook has an "unlike" button."
Mayim Bialik
"She's dressed to sit shiva."
"I don't know what she plays on The Big Bang Theory but in that dress, I doubt that it has anything to do with the banging."
"It's too matchy matchy. I'm talking about the frog bracelet and her face."
Kaley Cuoco
"If Kaley's show gets canceled she can always get a deal with Swiffer."
Sofia Vergara
"Wears the same dress over and over in different colors. This one's got more pink than a gynecologist sees in a year."
Shailene Woodley
"The good news is if you lay that dress down in your shower you won't slip."
Kyra Sedgwick
"Before we start, want to hear a joke? What do you call it when Kyra pretends to have an orgasm with her husband Kevin? Fakin' Bacon!"