SDFDGDFGHRT
"I've just been handed a very important bulletin...GJHSOANWHT."
Dress Code
He has a circa 2006 frat party to go to right after this.
No Murders
Great job, Detroit!
Slight Chance of Afternoon
RUN FOR THE HILLS
Butt Stabber
Diane's face is all our faces.
BREAKING NEWS
"Sources say the president went to Jack in the Box and didn't get curly fries, prompting threats of impeachment."
Bernard Jordan
Man, Bernard is looking great for his age.
Head Lice
"We're a little short on time today...got any stories to use as filler?"
Curling Challenge
Oh, sure. "Curling" challenge.
Ad Placement
Just a friendly reminder that layout is very, very important.
Numbers
"And the temperature will drop even further on the threeth."
Pug Fight
"Get the riot gear... but just the stuff from the knee down."
Texas
A developing story.
London Bridge
Phew! Thanks, CNN!
Porn & Pancakes
"Newsworthy ain't even a word." - The News
Crude Graph
Sir, that's an uncircumsized penis.
Fudge Bar Assault
Fire Destroyed by Home
Homes finally get revenge.
Syrup Related
2012 was a bit of a sticky year for crime.
Breaking News
Whew! Now we can focus on those syrup related crimes.
Sex Offender
For at least this evening, our legs will be safe.
Busted
He's lucky Blockbuster went out of business, or else he'd be serving hard time for the overdue VHS copy of Armageddon found in his back seat.
Stabbed Boyfriend
The argument was over whether or not he could fart in her face.
Safest Cities
Detroit: Not even tornadoes will go there