Melissa Leo
"I thought it was totally wrong that she took out those ads in the trades basically begging for that Oscar. Whatever happened to good old-fashioned sleeping around?"
"She's the opposite of her character in The Fighter. Her hair moves, she doesn't smoke. But she does hate Amy Adams."
"Ryan couldn't stop staring at this outfit, mainly because he could see himself in it."
Amy Adams
"Looks like she let the five sisters from The Fighter pick out the dress."
"It was so adorable on the red carpet, she said hello to her daughter at home. Her daughter shouted back at the screen, 'Mommy, you look like ca-ca.'"
Michelle Williams
"She looks like the actress in a Helen Miren movie who has one scene at the beginning as young Helen, during the London Blitz."
Madonna
"This dress is proof of what Melissa always says, 'You're never too old to embarrass your daughter.'"
"They wouldn't let her in at the A.A.R.P. party. She was too old and they had a dress code."
Helena Bonham Carter
"That hair! On the red carpet a rat jumped out and said, 'I can't live like this.'"
Jennifer Lopez
"This is how I like my J.Lo, lots of attitude, lots of leg and no singing."
Miley Cyrus
"Remember when Billy Ray Cyrus was the most embarrassing member of the family?"
"Remember how the Incredible Hulk got mad and ripped out of his clothes. She looks like she's halfway there."
Kim Kardashian
"Kim was there, not because she's a music lover, but because the event was at the Staples Center and she was hoping there'd be some leftover NBA players lying around."
Selena Gomez
"Now that she used her wizardry to knock Demi Lovato out of the game she's ready to sex it up without people wondering which of those lame Disney girls she is."
LeAnn Rimes
"Looks like a well-dressed homewrecker."
Snooki
"I don't like the sleeves, but her alcoholic bloat had to go somewhere."
Nicki Minaj
"Sigefried and Roy woke up this morning and said, 'Why is the compound empty?'"
Naya Rivera
"She looks like she started to hem the dress and then got a phone call."
"Yes, the dress shows you have nice legs, but it also shows you have bad taste."
Lady Gaga
"The egg was impressive, but was even more impressive was Monique was up all night shitting it out."
"You should have seen the giant sperm that were trying to fertilize her."
"Gaga entered over easy."
"It was Madonna's last viable egg."
Keri Hilson
"I've forgiven her for stealing my hairstyle but now she's stolen the wallpaper in my bathroom."
Ciara
"She looks like a ring girl on American Gladiators."
"This screams, 'Take me to the Pharaoh.'"
"She's wearing the thong on her neck. Everything upside down."
Mya
"I don't think I've heard from her since she did "Lady Marmalade" with Christina Aguilera. She needs to dress like a fat whore and forget some lyrics, because I want to see more of her."
Monica
"Great dress for the Grammys, you can be stylish and cool. You don't have to be a clown, you don't have to be Ringling Brothers and it's Monica, so you don't even have to be famous."
Jennifer Hudson
"She's wearing two straps on the shoulder, just in case she lost it and started eating danish again."
"Jennifer took part in a tribute to Aretha Franklin, which is the first step to falling off your diet. You can go straight from R-E-S-P-E-C-T to KFC if you're not careful."
Jewel
"She wore butter-yellow because it matches her teeth."
"Tight enough to be stylish and loose enough that she can still yodel."
Jordin Sparks
"I keep forgetting: was she on American Idol or The Biggest Loser?"
"When she was thinner, the curtains closed in the front."
"From the waist down she was an exact replica of the Kodak Theater. Anne Hathaway and James Franco are in there rehearsing for the Oscars right now."
Lea Michele
"Flamenco night at a dental convention."
"Lea Michele looks great, but also like a total bitch."
Jenna Ushkowitz
"This time she used a bag instead of putting things in her bellybutton."
"Seeing her makes me feel like Jonas Salk felt like when the first polio kid walked. I feel like she's one of Joan's Kids."
Justin Bieber
"I still can't believe this kid got famous on You Tube and Keyboard Cat only plays local bars."