Nelly Furtado
"Nelly looks fur-tarded."
Lindsay Lohan
"What's with the black and blue marks on her legs? Did someone forget to childproof the Betty Ford center?"
"They look like old lady legs—like mine. Wait, if Lindsay Lohan has my legs, then whose legs do I have? I can tap dance now!"
"The up side of being as skanky as Lindsay is when you put on an expensive hotel robe, management will always say, 'Keep it, keep it.'"
Kat Dennings and Christina Hendricks
"Also, I can't decide because they also have the same goal in life...To one day sleep on their stomach."
"Attention Fred Willard, you don't have to go to a porno theater. These pictures should keep you out of trouble for a while."
Madonna
"She's stuffed in those boots, they must be impossible to pull off. Heather Mills has an easier time removing her leg."
Dianna Agron and Gayle King
"The print is too cutsie. It looks like the ceiling of a childrens hospital."
Rihanna and Oprah
"Here's Oprah and Rihanna in Barbados…I think that's Oprah on the right. Am I correct?"
"Barbados is Oprah's second favorite island, right after the island of lesbos."
Jessica Biel
"Look at the logo behind her. Does anyone else think its weird that Chrysler, a car company, is sponsoring the premiere of a movie called Total Recall?"
"This outfit is cutesy and flirty and girly...It's the Ricky Martin of dresses."
"I hate the clunky shoes, and Jessica matched her nails to them, which is one of those precious little things you do when you're really boring."
"Jessica and Justin make a great team, he's bringing SexyBack and in this dress she's keeping it safely hidden."
Madonna and Brahim
"Brahim looks like a teenager who is taking his bubby out for bingo. You know why? Because he is a teenager taking his bubbie out for bingo."
"Brahim loves Madonna, because she teaches him things, like the alphabet. When they are in bed, she yells 'Get the K-Y...K-Y!'"
"Hey, Madonna, here's something for you to think about: your song 'Material Girl' is older than your boyfriend."
Vanessa Williams
"The only good news is Vanessa wore this on Good Afternoon America. So only 4 people saw it."
Solange Knowles
"I don't want to be mean. I want to say something nice…'Giulianna, how's life in baby land? George, how's the new girlfriend?'"
Kim Kardashian & Kanye
"There's enough leather here to make eight pairs of shoes, six vests and four pairs of gloves, or one belt for Al Roker."
Jessica Biel
"She's really dumb. In 2010 she took months to climb mount kill-a-man-jaro."
"To raise money for 'Global Water Crisis' awareness. Stupid. I did my part and I never left the house: on earth day, I wet my pants."
Adrianne Curry
"Whoever she is, her boobs are bound tighter than Fan Bing Bing's feet."
"This outfit sucks more than George Michael in a ballpark men's room."
Diane Kruger
"I'm waiting for her to say 'Guttentag. I am freuline Diane Kruger, and I do not use Q-tips. I either swab my ears with this dress or a Jew's head.'"
Bjork
"This looks like something her swan dress shit out."
Kate Beckinsale
"Adorable. In Total Recall Kate and Jessica Biel beat the hell out of each other. Chris Brown is calling it the, 'Feel good movie of the year.'"
Whitney Port
"I like your worst better than your best."
"Why do you love dark colors? This dress looks like it was made from Oprah's upper arm fat."
Sofia Vergara
"For her 40th birthday, Sofia's boyfriend gave her a beautiful motorboat. Maybe she gave him a motorboat…I'm not sure, but I think a motorboat was involved.
"Sofia is so hot, after spending two weeks in Mexico, American men started to imigrate illegally into Mexico."
Anne Hathaway
"There's a rumor she may be pregnant, so maybe she's being ugly for two."
Katie Holmes
"The only sad part of the divorce is Tom ruined Oprah's couch for nothing!"
Justin Bieber
"My watch stopped. Giuliana, honey, can you tell me: Is it hammer time?"
"I hate those pants. They're like Luke Perry. They barely worked in the 80's and they're not working now."
"He looks like the valedictorian of a special school graduation."
Britney Spears
"She was on the Britney Spears diet: You only eat things you can spell. So as you can see she's probably down to P's."
George Clooney and Stacy Keibler
"They'll never marry. The only time Stacy will ever hear George say 'I do' is when it's followed by the words 'not want to marry you.'"
Beyoncé
"Riddle! What two things are brown and yellow and need to change? Beyoncé and my underwear."