Julianne Moore
"Why is she so covered up? (Was she just trying to show off her man hands? Because those are some serious meat paws!)"
Glenn Close
"Glenn is just thrilled to be there because she gets to lose to someone besides Meryl Streep for a change."
"This dress in the original runway form would've looked good on Leena, and Leena's dress would've looked great on Glenn (or any man named Glen.)"
"Glenn looks like Cher's great grandmother."
Emily VanCamp
"Everybody wore J. Mendel. I'm telling you, he was on more actresses than John Mayer!"
"Grey is a hard color to wear, and Emily's dress is greyer than Steve Buschemi's teeth!"
"I loved the bow on her wrist. It was there to remind her to never get into a car with Amanda Bynes."
Heidi Klum
"Hate the double slit! If I want to see a double slit, I'll take naked pictures of Siamese twins."
Julie Bowen
"Wonderful! Julie looks like the fat version of Kelly Ripa."
Portia de Rossi
"I thought I knew who wore the pants in this family, but now I'm not so sure."
"Portia, c'mon now, pants are Ellen's thing! You don't see her showing up with an Australian accent and an eating disorder!"
Phillip Lim Model
"You also wrote a children's book? How many children do you have that you know of?"
Phillip Lim Model
"I don't understand the upside down heart, "I love nueva york" who's gonna buy it? a dyslexic Latina? like Gomez Selena or Aguilera Christina?
"You know what's so unfair? When a young girl wears something like this, they call it "fashion." When I wear it, they call it "dementia."
Karina El Mahroug
"Katie Couric is everywhere plugging her new talk show."
"It's not Sofia Vergara because there are no people saying, ‘what? huh? I can't understand a word you're saying."'
Lady Gaga
"The men next to her are bodyguards, or as Heidi Klum's kids call them, ‘new vanilla daddies."'
"I don't get the collar—I guess they caught Gaga chewing on her stitches again."
Fergie
"Her hair is more damaged than Lindsay Lohan's liver."
Anne Hathaway
"All that pink! Ann looks like a walking Pap smear"
Allison Williams
"The color of the dress! Allison looks like a walking cold sore."
Grace Jones
"Grace Jones is a grandmother. Can you imagine this thing telling a bedtime story? 'Once upon a time in a land not very far away, a little boy and a little girl were found face down in a shallow grave where they'd been eviscerated by a horrible monster. Sleep tight!"'
Anna Wintour & Victoria Beckham
"They have such a good time together. Victoria tells Anna all the English gossip and Anna tells Victoria how to saw through a goat's trachea during a sacrifice."
Kim Kardashian
"Now we know what happened when Kim divorced Kris Humphries...she got custody of the basketballs."
Kirsten Dunst
"Ugly! I know why Kirsten picked this outfit after her last three flops—she's just thrilled to finally be in something people look at."
Katie Holmes
"I'm so excited that Katie can focus on her career now, and give us more great movies like...um...um..."
"I'm sure a title will come to me..."
Adam Lambert
"Your style changes more than Paul Ryan's marathon time."
Heidi Klum
"Hey, I think she looks pretty damn good for someone who just pulled an 8-hour shift at Jiffy Lube."
"...And the heels with a track suit?! Who runs in heels? Other than George Michael leaving the men's room."
Adam Lambert
"Wait, what happened? I'm sorry, Adam–I don't know how this photo of Rosie O'Donnell got in here."
"On American Idol when Paula Abdul would critique you, did you have a chip in your ear that would translate what she was saying into English?"
Amber Rose
"I don't understand this look. She looks like the head of a designer dildo."
"...with that makeup, Amber looks like an 'Albino Pee-wee Herman."'
Kristen Stewart
"Everytime I see pictures of Kristen her mouth is always hanging open–it's like she's trying to catch krill."
"This dress is from Zuhair Murad's Fall 2012 "Home Wrecker" collection. (Kristen is so unpopular now. Even hoarders are throwing away their Dvd's of her movies.) They're calling her "the Twilight trolop."
Selena Gomez
"The dress pushes her bust up and out which is good, it makes it easier for her to nurse Justin Bieber."