Jordin Sparks
"Everyone who comes off of American Idol gets thin. Jordin lost 50lbs. Jennifer Hudson lost 80. Kelly Clarkson lost 30. Maybe Precious should take singing lessons."
"The dress is ordinary. This is the kind of dress you get for free when you buy your douches by the case. (I learned that when I was getting kicked out of Costco.)"
Debra Messing
"Look at the picture—she's got post-tits behind her and pre-tits on her."
Erin Wasson
"The good news is I can't give you Worst Dressed of the show because I'm not really sure you are dressed."
"This dress has less material than a Dane Cook concert."
Avril Lavigne
"And what the hell is Avril doing at the magic convention? Trying to make her career reappear?"
Britney Spears and Melanie Brown
"This is hard. Britney's legs look great, hair looks great, the only thing I would change is the brain."
Snooki
"Snooki is not carrying small. She looks like a walk-in refrigerator."
Miley Cyrus
"The haircut! Miley's loyal. Her barber has parkinson's, but she won't leave him."
Scarlett Johannson
"Heavy thighs. Shopping, yes. Fancy restaraunt, no. But maybe."
Eva Longoria
"Love it love it. Only negative is too much eye make-up—she looks like she was tea-bagging with Chris Brown."
Lindsay Lohan
"Usually when we see front and side photos of Lindsay Lohan they are hanging in the post office."
"She looks terrible! Lindsay's calling a cab and saying, 'I'm wearing blue shorts with a white belt and standing right in front of death's door. You can't miss me.'"
Jessica Biel
"But I also know why she's so dressed up. She went to two events in London...the opening of her movie and the closing ceremony of Madonna's legs."
Amanda Bynes
"I've been in Amanda's situation a million times. You come out of the mall and you can't remember where you wrecked your car."
"Amanda's had 3 car accidents since April. (She drives like I have bowel movements. Even when it's successful, it's really hard.)"
Angelina Jolie & Brad Pitt
"If Angelina Jolie wore something that I had worn a month after me, I wouldn't be upset. I'd laugh, because the pee smell never comes out."
Busy Phillips
"You are on "cougar town" with Courtney Cox-(I love Courtney I see her all the time at the plastic surgeon's—oops-I meant dentist."
"You were in "Dawson's Creek" Are you happy for Katie Holmes? Was she always attracted to men who ride spaceships?"
Busy Phillips
"You look like an article in Cosmo Magazine called "100 ways to kill a boner."
"Busy, let me get this straight. You got married, and then you had a baby! What a Hollywood rule breaker!"
Miley Cyrus
"I love this look, its easy, low maintenance. Just rub a little bit of sperm in her hair and she's out the door."
"Billy Ray Cyrus now has the second most embarrassing haircut in Cyrus family history."
"Britney Spears said, 'What a pussy, when I went bonkers I shaved my whole darn head.'"
"The upside of having all your movies go straight to DVD is you don't have to look cute for the junket."
Miley Cyrus
"It's really not fair to ask us if she's a starlet or streetwalker. That guy next to her is 6 inches away and even he can't figure it out."
"I should have known it was Miley Cyrus. A streetwalker would have enough sense to leave her giant bag of weed at home."
Beyonce & Solange
"It's the Knowles sisters, Beyoncé, Solange, and the tall one who looks nothing like the other, Khloé."
"Solange loves taking Beyoncé to this food truck for lunch, and not just because of the employee discount."
"It's funny how even their lunches mirror their careers. Beyoncé had the most popular item on the menu and Solange ordered something most people haven't heard of."
Lady Gaga
"Look at that dog, it's frightened. Gaga said to it, 'Shit on the rug again and you're mittens.'"
"Now at least we know where she got the meat dress from. At least she uses the whole animal."
Olivia Lee
"It's so soft and light like an angel fart."
Elton John
"Those boys had such a great day on that yacht, until lunch when they couldn't agree on who was a Carrie and who was a Samantha."
"Katy Perry also flashed her ass this weekend, so don't go to the beach with Susan Boyle. These tragedies always happen in threes."
Olivia Lee
"This might not be so bad if there wasn't an entire rack of much better options right behind you."
"There's more butterflies in that print than in a douche commercial."
AnnaLynne McCord
"AnnaLynne is SO THIN. That paper in her hand says, 'CHEW, SWALLOW, REPEAT.'"
AnnaLynne McCord
"That woman is looking at her thinking ‘She's very fun,' so it's clearly not Kate Hudson."
"Two nicotine patches and a back brace. Ke$ha after a rough night?"